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Greetings space friends,
Today you will proceed beyond a rubicon - for you have discovered my OC rating thread. Back from the depths of a now-deceased website, after countless hours of roleplay on many different characters and accounts, I am back 5 years later to tell you how shit both your OC and your waifu are.
So how it works is simple.
Step 1: Go to https://goo.gl/forms/4sPAh6KUS4Gz9bmf2 and fill out the form with all relevant details. Yes I did omit Alicorn as a species type. This was deliberate. Alicorn OCs are automatically shit-tier.
Step 2: Wait for 3-5 business days for me to review your submission.
Step 3: Your submission will be reposted to this thread, along with my notes and thoughts following my established criteria.
Why am I tying it to a form, do you ask? Well, if someone is suggesting an OC that they've just created or are working on, I would like to keep who it belongs to private. This will keep people from feeling publicly shamed. If you're submitting an OC that's already known by the community - then you know full well what you're doing.
Rating methodology:
Each question in the form asks for specific information. This information is judged both individually, and as part of the whole. Each individual category is rated on a 5 point scale. This scale is:
1. No positive qualities
2. Sporatic positive qualities - overall negative
3. Both positive and negative qualities. Overall neutral
4. Negative qualities taint an otherwise positive thought.
5. Majority positive qualities - no major negative qalities.
The categories that are rated using this system are:
Physical Attributes (Appearance)
Psychological Attributes (Personality)
Historical Attributes (Story)
Unity (How well the attributes compliment each other)
After all the categories have been rated, an overall score will be administered. This overall score is out of 28. 5 points are allocated per category. An additional point is allocated to each category which has a score of 5. Up to an additional 4 points are added meritoriously for interesting, high quality, high effort characteristics of the character.
Overall Score Ranges:
4-8: Requires immediate incineration
9-12: Needs an overhaul, but some fundamental details can be recycled.
13-17: Good details, needs some help around the edges
18-22: Great details, needs that last piece to make it extraordinary
23-24: Amazing!
25+: God-tier
Disclaimer:
I reserve the right to be sarcastic as fuck during the reviewing process. I also lack morals and impulse control, so take that as you will. Don't wanna get flamed? Don't submit bad characters. Submitting characters is only anonymous to me or anyone who reads this thread if they haven't seen your character before.
OC's Rated:
Starlight Sparkle ( https://canterlotavenue.com/forum/thread/45/spackles-oc-rating-thread/?view=309 )
Red Ink ( https://canterlotavenue.com/forum/thread/45/spackles-oc-rating-thread/?view=328 )
Carnelian Clout ( https://canterlotavenue.com/forum/thread/45/spackles-oc-rating-thread/?view=347 )
Ryan Shine ( https://canterlotavenue.com/forum/thread/45/spackles-oc-rating-thread/?view=353 )
Dusty Bones ( https://canterlotavenue.com/forum/thread/45/spackles-oc-rating-thread/?view=369 )
Lights Action ( https://canterlotavenue.com/forum/thread/45/spackles-oc-rating-thread/?view=389 )
Luciette ( https://canterlotavenue.com/forum/thread/45/spackles-oc-rating-thread/?view=390 )
Angel Wingate Heart ( https://canterlotavenue.com/forum/thread/45/spackles-oc-rating-thread/?view=500 )
FireBlitz ( https://canterlotavenue.com/forum/thread/45/spackles-oc-rating-thread/view_899 )
Heart Container ( https://canterlotavenue.com/forum/thread/45/spackles-oc-rating-thread/view_1341 )
Brody Dusk ( https://canterlotavenue.com/forum/thread/45/spackles-oc-rating-thread/view_1343 )
Butterscotch ( https://canterlotavenue.com/forum/thread/45/spackles-oc-rating-thread/view_1459 )
Last update on November 26, 1:10 am by Starbro Spackle.
angel Wingate heart
#53
I'm looking forward to your view of my girl :)
Celtic Cross
#54
"I fully understand what I am doing, and accept the consequences for filling out and submitting the above mentioned form."
Starbro Spackle
#55
NAME
Lights Action
GENDER
Female
SPECIES
Pony - Pegasus
BODY COLOURMANE COLOUREYE COLOUR
Stop being poor and get some art of your OC.
FOALHOOD
Born in South-East Trottingham to a Pegasi (her father) and an earth pony (her mother), she was the eldest of two. After her father left the family for another Pegasus he met at work, her mother had to work, so she was sent to a day-care earlier than she should have, at two years old with her baby sister. At primary school, she discovered she loved art class. She only really had one friend through Kindy to grade three. She doesn't even remember her name. During middle school, she collected about three new friends, named Plaid Kilt, Mad Flapper and Stumpy. She didn't speak much while she was in the group. After she accidentally said something highly-offensive to Plaid Kilt, she was kicked out of hr little group.In high-school, she went back to just one friend, a male earth pony named Aster. He was a stage kid. She wanted to be behind a camera. They made a short film called 'Of Earth Ponies and Alicorns' for a school competition. The school board declared it 'too explicit' to be submitted, as it was extremely weird, classist and didn't contain enough verbal storytelling.
I always head-canoned Earth Pony to be the dominant gene, but whatever.
After her father left the family for another Pegasus
Gotta keep that bloodline clean!
This entire section is simultaneously too specific, and annoyingly vague at the same time. “She doesn’t even remember her name”. Speaking so matter of factly is very offputting in this kind of scenario. Remember that you’re defining your character and what’s important to mention during their development into an adult. Is it significant to know that they don’t remember their first childhood friend’s name? No, not really. So remove it. It serves no purpose.
This entire section has to be rewritten to be less shit, and have more effort put into it.
CUTIE MARK
A filming projector under a paint-brush
Oh hey look someone found the clipart section of MS Word. What a joke. Not to mention that the background for the cutie mark is different than your OC’s coat colour, it’s blocky, boring, and fucking gray. Nothing in the MLP artstyle is blocky. Even the things that are square like the buildings and whatever have slight slants and bends in them to keep them casual and artsy. Don’t be boring.
CUTIE MARK STORY
She was a 'blank flank' for longer than most. However, she did get her cutie mark when trying do get a video of the sun celebration for her friends around that time. They were all holidaying in different towns, and her family was the closest to Canterlot. She had always been a big fan of ancient mythology, so this was a dream come true.
Again, with the lack of effort. If you actually are interested in creating a balanced and interesting character you need to put more than 4 sentences of effort into it. I’m going to finish this review simply because I already read ahead and know what’s coming and I wanna make fun of you for making bad decisions.
PERSONALITY
Lights Action has a mostly calm temperament, but that doesn't mean she can't lead other ponies, or stop her from insulting ponies that make her angry or embarrassed. So, she's more passive aggressive. She has an artistic soul, but more photography and Art-house movie art. She has only a small collection of friends, most of them being work-mates. She rarely cries. When she does, though, she does it away from her friends, drinking apple juice and holding Joey. Outside of her workmates and maybe , MAYBE a lover, she doesn't really talk to anypony
I love it when people who aren’t leaders try to describe leaders. They always, always get it wrong. Having a calm temperament is a prerequisite to being a leader. Otherwise you end up being impulsive, which will break the trust your subordinates have with you.
Lights Action has a mostly calm temperament,
stop her from insulting ponies that make her angry or embarrassed.
I hate this trope. “This character is X but can also be Y.”.
You know what that is? That’s called a characterization contradiction. When you contradict what you say about a character immediately after, your character is stuck in a purgatory of shittiness that it will never escape. Pick what your character is like, and run with it.
When you have a character that’s calm, you want to keep that going. You want them to follow their character as close as you can for as long as you can. Do you know why? Because when you are inevitably forced to break character because of something happening - it has that much more impact.
Think of Fluttershy, as an example. She does not break character often. She is always silent, shy, and obedient. When she breaks out of this, it’s because of something significant. And because it’s significant, it gives that much more impact when the character is forced to make that choice.
So basically what I’m saying, is stop being shit.
So, she's more passive aggressive.
Remove this. Being calm, but able to lay down the law is not passive aggressive. Learn the meaning of phrases before you use them.
She rarely cries.
[quote]
This is not significant to the character. Remove it.
[quote]Outside of her workmates and maybe , MAYBE a lover, she doesn't really talk to anypony
Well then, have fun RP’ing an OC that doesn’t want to interact with people. Come back when you make better decisions.
LIKES
Ponyville lore. She used to read the books and everything. Jazzy music; She just loves the beat and saxophone in it. Orange juice. And carrots.
Disjointed likes. Orange juice? Really. You’re going to profess your love for orange juice in a character sheet? Give me a break.
DISLIKES
Cat ponies and cats. She thinks cats are snobby, lazy, and 'you can't really bond with them'. She hate those with think with 'too much logic', as she is a major surrealist and prefers joking around. Hearts and hooves day... For reasons
And that’s all I have to say on that subject.
Hearts and hooves day... For reasons
And this character sheet is going into the garbage where it belongs… for reasons.
Seriously if you’re not going to justify what you say about your character, then whatever you say is useless and worthless.
SKILLS
Her patience, her ability to break up arguments and creativity with her projects, film or otherwise
her ability to break up arguments and creativity with her projects
You remember that time when you had to break up the creativity with your project? Well neither do I, because that doesn’t make sense. Learn how to grammar.
DETAILED HISTORY
She dropped out of her second year of high-school. She stayed with Bo for a few more years until he finally got a role in a movie, leaving her behind. She stayed with her sister for a while, creating a film portfolio and went to college for a short while. Eventually she got into Canterlot University and studied there for six years. She lived in Las Pegasus for a few years, working as a waitress most of the time. She decided to move back to Canterlot after Aster apologized for leaving her in the dust. She either takes pitches, or if it takes too long, makes her own pitch. No-pony should ever let her do that. She's a terrible writer. Her dream is to create a biographical- Or auto-biographical movie based on the royals; Especially on their lives during the just during and after the Discord reign. She says it's wouldn't be just a chance to make something containing the royal family, but to make something surrealist, for old times sake. She's been hired to do two movies as associate director; 'Taking the Cake' -A comedy and 'An Earth Pony in Cloudsdale'-A black comedy. The first movie she made as both producer and director was 'Filly' A psychological horror. She also filmed a commercial once; She doesn't want to talk about it. She just says that it was for a con-man, and she made him be honest about his product for the sake of humor.
I like how you looked at ‘Detailed History’ and decided that this was sufficient.
Seriously, half of this history is, “This character did things that we assume that characters do anyways” with unnecessary details that I don’t give a shit about. Your history is supposed to show why your character is the way they are in the present day - not to write the chronicle of the character. The chronicle is supposed to be on your hard drive, not mine.
She decided to move back to Canterlot after Aster apologized for leaving her in the dust
What happened here? Who’s Aster? Why did they leave your character in the dust? This sounds like it could be potentially interesting (actually, it doesn’t. It sounds like petty personal drama.) but at least it’s more interesting than everything else you apparently thought was reasonable to write here.
She's a terrible writer.
You said it, not me.
Her dream is to create a biographical- Or auto-biographical movie
So every single time I wrote something out to respond to how absolutely backwards this sentence is, it never sufficiently put across just how infuriated I am with this. Do you not know what the difference is between a biography and autobiography? Because I don’t think you do.
She says it's wouldn't be just a chance to make something containing the royal family, but to make something surrealist, for old times sake.
What the fuck even is this sentence.
She's been hired to do two movies as associate director; 'Taking the Cake' -A comedy and 'An Earth Pony in Cloudsdale'-A black comedy.
Soon after she was commissioned to write a story called, ‘This OC’ - a comedy.
The first movie she made as both producer and director was 'Filly' A psychological horror. She also filmed a commercial once; She doesn't want to talk about it. She just says that it was for a con-man, and she made him be honest about his product for the sake of humor.
See, this section is where you can tell us the troubles that your character had in making these movies. What challenges she needed to face, what personality flaws gave her problems during the projects, all that good shit. Instead you give us cut and dry “she did this thing.” Everyone knows that saying, “I went to do this for a couple years” is not a proper summary of what happened during those times. Sure, I went to school for 3 years for emergency medicine. I could leave it at that, or talk about the events that happened during those 3 years that shaped me into what I am today. The 6 failed boyfriends who turned me into the salty angry bitch who likes seeing other people cry.
Physical Attributes: 2
Psychological Attributes: 1
Historical Attributes: 1
Unity: 1
Total: 5
Verdict 4-8: Requires immediate incineration
TLDR; A character who believes that doing the same things everyone else does makes them special fails to amount to anything interesting and makes the reviewer reconsider that time where they chose not to overdose on smack in a Halifax crackhouse.
Last update on March 12, 2:08 pm by Starbro Spackle.
Starbro Spackle
#56
NAME
Luciette
GENDER
Female
SPECIES
Pony - Earth
BODY COLOUR
Cream (I know what you're going to say about socks but screw you socks make her look like a slut and I love it)
I don't know what I love more: The fact that you have the decency to know that socks are stupid looking, or the fact that you deliberately applied socks to make your character look stupid.
MANE COLOUR
Hot Pink and Coral
EYE COLOUR
Jade
FOALHOOD
Raised by a wealthy family she was a spoiled brat. She was the mary sue of childhood, getting what she wanted, whenever she wanted. The only thing she had to do was behave and she sometimes felt she had no control over her life even though she could have anything she ever wanted at the snap of a theoretical finger.
WOW WHAT A NICE DETAILED CHILDHOOD SUMMARY YOU HAVE HERE.
I’m not going to spend more than 2 minutes thinking about any section that has a whole 3 sentences dedicated to it. You have an opportunity to be thoughtful and create an environment that will eventually cultivate your OC in the future, but hey - work is effort. And effort is a waste.
Take your two remaining braincells and do something interesting with your character’s childhood.
Also you used the term ‘mary sue’ improperly, but whatever. I don’t give a fuck.
CUTIE MARK
Luciette does not possess a cutie mark. To put it bluntly I never liked squeezing a character and “their special talent” in one picture/image. To me the concept is bland, and narrowing to your character unless you make it something really vague— then after that whats the point of a cutiemark? But not having one actually has a story in itself. Luciette is a decendant from another pony species called Azurians. They are similar to Equestrian ponies however they lack cutiemarks and habe larger builts and actual horse hooves. Azuria originally was a race of pure pegasus species but after the kingdom fell the Azurians mixed with the Equestrians. No cutiemark is a dominant trait in the gene pool apparently but its mostly my lazy cop-out excuse for not giving any of my OCs cutiemarks.
To put it bluntly, I never like receiving incomplete characters.
The point of a cutie mark is to allow small children to identify character’s traits by a visible symbol. Don’t be lazy.
Luciette is a decendant from another pony species called Azurians. They are similar to Equestrian ponies however they lack cutiemarks and habe larger builts and actual horse hooves.
Holy shit this entire thing is a mess. It’s so meme worthy it almost hurts.
habe larger builts
I’m sorry, what?
actual horse hooves.
I’m sorry, what?
Azurians
BY AZURA BY AZURA BY AZURA
its mostly my lazy cop-out excuse for not giving any of my OCs cutiemarks.
Lazy is most certainly an adequate word to describe your OC.
CUTIE MARK STORY
N/A
PERSONALITY
Luciette is a money whore- quite litterally. As you would expect she’s an extrovert but if the role calls for it she can pretend to be a shy little virgin mare who’s looking for love, batting big doe eyes at you. She lives for vanity and escorts her way around Paris to get what she wants. She’s not above manipulating the more slimy ponies as long as their pockets are deep. She does have a softer side to her where she enjoys deep conversations and quiet evenings over looking the city. She has no desire to have children or have a future in general. She insists on living in the moment, enjoying the pleasures of life and false love. Though underneath her facade of being a perfect, high maintenance princess she holds a longing to actually be what she pretends to be. She knows no matter how she looks or how she acts she feels shes nothing but worthless on the inside. Her thoughts are "I'm nothing on the inside, so I'll be everything on the outside." She seeks a true and tender love deep down but her snarky face and prissy attitude will never let it show. She would rather die than look weak.
.
Luciette is a money whore- quite litterally.
I do not like where this is going.
she can pretend to be a shy little virgin mare who’s looking for love, batting big doe eyes at you.
And, we’re done here. See you guys next week. This is where I draw the line.
Pegasister987
#57
Nice roasting, man. Well, hope you hated shitting on an OC profile I made months ago. And that clip art wasn't my drawing; It was a present from an online friend who wanted to introduce me to a different role-playing site.
:)
Starbro Spackle
#58
NAME
Angel Wingate Heart
GENDER
Female
SPECIES
Pony - Pegasus
BODY COLOUR#FFFFFF to pay respects.
MANE COLOUR
Glunt
This is not a colour, this is a brand of tobacco blunt that is obviously not used for tobacco.
EYE COLOUR
Ruby red
FOALHOOD
Well, since this was left blank I am going to assume that your character was birthed at adult size, and that makes me extremely uncomfortable.
CUTIE MARK
a white heart, with red outline and cross in the middle, aswell as two white pegasus wings spreading out of them.
I’m going to take your description for what it is because holy shit is that image tiny. On another note though your cutie mark is primarily white. On a white pony. You can begin to see the problem that arises from this.
Make the dominant colour of your cutie mark some other colour than what your body is. Otherwise it looks like shit.
CUTIE MARK STORY
Angel is gifted in the field of medicine and health, aswell as tending to her patients.
Ever since she was a filly, her favourite subject had been health. At around the age of 8, she helped another foal on the playground with a large and unsanitary cut on his foreleg. He had gotten it while playing, and with no adults around, Angelheart went into action. She successfully cleaned, bandaged, and fixed the wound.
That day her shining reward appeared on her flank. It was her cutie mark,
Another gifted protoge. Great. They come at a dime a dozen anyways, so you’re already a step behind in the race to try to make your character even remotely interesting. I’d also be quite scared if there was someone that was apparently gifted in the field of medicine and health, but apparently didn’t possess the mental capacity to tend to their patients. One of those is a prerequisite to the other, and I am scared to the fact that you have to define this.
Not to mention that the statement of, ‘her favourite subject had been health’ gives me terrible emotionally tauting flashbacks. You say health class like there was an entire subject dedicated to making sure that everyone knew the proper way to apply a bandage and to not rub your eyes with the same cotton ball that you just soaked in hydrogen peroxide. The health class I remember involves being really uncomfortable, something about bananas, and being really confused when we were assigned homework in groups.
Although I have to say that I’m quite impressed that you were able to curb your enthusiasm enough to make a proper action to base your cutie mark around. The event that lead to the achievement of your cutie mark was not overly ambitious for the stage of your characters life that they’re in. It’s a monumental achievement, especially since they’re doing an action that they’re very interested in. Taking care of others.
Although I could do with some more embellishment on this point. You don’t have to be a damn Connelly to push in a couple extra sentences about your cutie mark story. Sure you got it. You’ve established that, but what about what really matters? How did it make your character feel to know that their favourite thing is now their true calling? How did your character react to getting their cutie mark in medicine? What kind of anxiety did it cause your character when they figured out how many years of post secondary education they’ll be forced into and how goddamn expensive it is? How will they cope with their parents asking her why she couldn’t have been interested in something that was a little bloody cheaper?
PERSONALITY
captain Angelheart is a disciplined and loyal military mare. Her attitude is always held high, and she is always ready to help and serve. She had a shy and timid personality when she was little, but her time in the military has shaped her into a confident pony. After school, Angelheart flourished. She escaped her broken family, as well as the bullies that had sat on her life for so long. Her suffering has given her a great empathy, that makes her friendly and understanding to her patients. She has issues with listening to herself and noticing her own problems. While she is friendly and nice, she is always focusing her attention on helping others, rather than herself. Angel doesn't have a family or any friends outside the corps, to spend her time with. Her social side is a bit dull, when it comes to anything outside the R.E.A.F. She can be a bit too serious at times, but Angel has become better at being a social pony
As opposed to pretty much everything else about the character sheet, I like personality to be able to be summed up in a few sentences. Personality rarely gets complicated. As an example, your character’s personality is “has a stick so far up their ass if you attached strings to their limbs you’d call them a puppet.”
I’m going to mention the mandatory stressful family life and the mandatory bullies because it’s stupid, and we need less of it. If it’s not a primary motivator to your character, then forget about it. Everyone already assumes that your character was bullied. Everyone in school was bullied. Everyone in school was a bully. It’s how the world works. Stop trying to feel sorry for yourself for all the pain you went through, because there isn’t anyone on the surface of this questionably spherical world who didn’t go through that in some way, shape or form. Cut it out.
I’d also like to mention that I’m amused by your choice of acronym for the Air Force. Because now if you wanted to refer to someone who is in that service you’d be able to call them a REAFer (reefer).
LIKES
coffee, flying , the most important helping ponies in need
Jobs like being a paramedic, some kind of public service job, or the military is the greatest because no matter what you’re doing everyone in your field has the same appreciation for coffee. If humans were more inclined to cult-like behaviour I would be surprised if there wasn’t a religion based solely around the coffee bean. Jobs like that turn life into very simple math. If you have a programmer, insert coffee and you get code.
I’d also hope you like flying because as a pegasus.
DISLIKES
rainy days, paperwork , not being able to help
If you didn’t like paperwork why the hell did you do the paperwork double doosey? Paramedic AND military? If you didn’t like paperwork you literally could do anything else and you’d do less of it.
SKILLS
the R.E.A.F. (Royal Equestrian Air Force) currently in the Ponyville branch. She is a rapid response paramedic whose skills are unbeatable. Her abilities in the branch have always been unmatched by her peers. She is always on the scene when a pony is hurt, and almost always gets the job done. Even on national emergencies, like the changeling attack, or Discord, early in her career, she is ready.
I question the REAF’s decision making skills if they decide that they need a branch in a town that has a population of less than 500.
Also the Air Force serving as the civilian emergency medical services? What? In Earth Pony territory no less. This doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.
DETAILED HISTORY
Angel was born a first foal to her proud parents Springheart and Nightwing in Ponyville.
Throughout her young years, she was a happy foal who was playful at most moments, but yet very serious at others. She made her parents happy when she went to school and became a straight A student, due to their strict discipline.
However, in kindergarten her father had died, and she had run into bullies that would be with her a large portion of her school days. These bullies pointed out this shy and timid filly, for being the only pegasus foal in the class. She was also a easy target for bullying with her defenseless personality at this point.
Angel got through school, past their constant teasing. But the day came where they were all playing on the playground. It was a normal sunny day, and Angelheart was playing pretend with herself under a tree, when all of a sudden a young colt flew off the swing and scraped his leg. Angel went to the rescue, cleaning his large bloody wound by herself, and bandaging it with her trusty bandaging in her saddle bag. This colt was her biggest bully and this was the day Angel earned her cutie mark. She showed the bullies that she was needed and useful, and from that day on she went on with no bullies.
Of coarse her foalhood had other important memories, like the day Angel taught herself how to fly. Her strong wings easily sliced through the air, and provided the wing power for quick and prestigious rescues she does often as a adult.
But the last important aspect of her foalhood, was the day it ended. After her graduation from school, Angel wanted to put her skills to the test in the Royal Air Forces of Equestria. Her mother wanted to do something more safe, like just being a nurse, but she had other ideas. She wanted to combine her medical experience, and her tough wings, to become one of the best in the 1st airborne.
Angel went to boot camp the following week, suffering the pain needed to learn the skills that would transform her from a civilian into a solider. She had successfully did this, being the most meritorious cadet in her year of the program.
After a few years in medical school, her training ended. Angelheart went onto leading the 1st airborne after multiple sucessful missions, but settled with being the national guards leader for natural disasters. But since there isn't natural disasters every day, Angelheart lives, and protects in Ponyville while waiting for the day to come when she is needed at another tragic event. She had helped ponies when Discord, the black vines and the changelings attacked, so she is always ready for more to come around again.
Springheart and Nightwing? Apparently opposites do attract.
she was a happy foal who was playful at most moments, but yet very serious at others.
That’s called having an emotional range that’s greater than a teaspoon. It’s not an accomplishment, it’s called being normal.
in kindergarten her father had died,
Because I definitely needed another tally on my ‘dead parents’ ticker. Seriously, when will you guys learn that MLP does not have explicitly stated death?
These bullies pointed out this shy and timid filly,
“Hey you! You’re shy and timid!”
“Yes, I am.”
“Yeah… uh. Yeah! Timid! And shy!”
“Yes. Your point being?”
Great bullying guys. Way to hustle.
bandaging it with her trusty bandaging in her saddle bag.
I know this isn’t exactly the same, but we have a term in the medical community for a civilian who over prepares for medical emergencies with things that he either has little to no training with, or is not certified to use. We call them ‘Ricky Rescues’, and they are absolutely abysmal. They cause more harm than good most of the time. Seriously had someone try to give Insulin to a stranger because he thought they were going Hyperglycemic. Thankfully, the police arrived before us and told that guy to cut it the fuck out because if he had administered the dose he had, he would have killed them.
I mention this because the fact that she was stocked up on bandages in her saddlebag reminds me of it. Don’t be a Ricky Rescue boys and girls. Know your limit, don’t be a hero.
She showed the bullies that she was needed and useful, and from that day on she went on with no bullies.
I mean, she’s still going to get bullied. The concept of bullying is that as long as one is different, they’ll be picked on. So this really doesn’t make sense to include. Also considering that she wasn’t apparently being picked on for being useless in the first place. Just that they were bullying her because she made herself an easy target.
and her tough wings
Where’d this come from? Last I heard she was defenceless and timid. When did she go from defenceless to literally joining the military because she thought she was tough.
Or is this just her projecting on herself that she is greater than who she thinks she is and she’s going to be dealt a whole big dose of reality soon. I hope for the latter, because that’d be more interesting.
suffering the pain needed to learn the skills that would transform her from a civilian into a solider
This is the correct way to rationalize life. Life is pain. Life is suffering. The only difference between failures and functional beings is that people who succeed use the pain to make themselves better. You don’t suffer any more, or any less. You just choose how that pain will affect you. Will it cause you to post non-stop to anime image boards? Talking to this audience, that’s probably an affirmative.
After a few years in medical school, her training ended. Angelheart went onto leading the 1st airborne after multiple sucessful missions, but settled with being the national guards leader for natural disasters.
I love it when civilians try to figure out how the military works. There’s a significant lack of E-4 mafia angst here. Although I question the military’s departmentalization by making a department entirely dedicated to natural disasters. All militaries do it a specific way because it makes the most sense. The department that handles dispaching and organization for natural disasters is an organization of the federal government. That organization then utilizes assets from Air Rescue, Combat Engineers, and Logistics to respond to any given crisis. IE FEMA.
But since there isn't natural disasters every day, Angelheart lives, and protects in Ponyville while waiting for the day to come when she is needed at another tragic event.
And causes widespread confusion on why the military is paying someone to not do anything all day in a town that has a negligible population.
Actually who am I kidding, that’s not as bad as some of the stupid things the military does already. Doesn’t mean I can’t like it. Humph.
Physical Attributes: 4
Psychological Attributes: 3
Historical Attributes: 3
Unity: 4
Total: 14
13-17: Good details, needs some help around the edges
Last update on May 8, 9:41 pm by Starbro Spackle.
Starbro Spackle
#59
NAME
FireBlitz
SEX
Female
SPECIES
Pony - Pegasus
BODY COLOURMANE COLOUREYE COLOUR
Finally someone who speaks in hex code.
Other than the stripper hair and the mid 00’s preteen choker this is OK. Though I do question the dominance of the red. Usually you’d want to contrast your colours so from far away you don’t look like a giant orange blob but meh.
FOALHOOD
Grew up with a regular family with two siblings up until her teen years when she witnessed her parents divorce. From that point on, she lived with her mother after she won the custody battle for the foals, the house, and alimony from the father as he was a doctor at the local hospital. Only foalhood stress she dealt with was her mother's projections of stress onto her and her siblings.
Oh look at that, a teenager going through their parents divorce. Nobody else experienced this so it’ll be an exciting new thing to talk and learn about through your character!
Also the fuck you doing picking the word witness. She was obviously involved in a custody battle. Especially if they’re teenagers they don’t just ‘witness’ the process. Witness implies that they had no investment whether emotionally or physically in the process. They just bear witness to it. That’s weak. This is weak. Do better.
and alimony from the father as he was a doctor
Oh wow look a hard working man getting his hard earned money that he spent hundreds of 24 hour shifts working all the time to earn gets taken away. The divorce system is not unfair at all.
she lived with her mother after she won the custody battle for the foals,
NOT UNFAIR AT ALL
CUTIE MARK
Winged heart with fire coming from the bottom.
Tropy and boring. Oh a heart with wings. How creative. Haven’t seen that anywhere else before. Definitely not in this thread either.
We’ll see if this cutie mark has any symbolism relevant to it
CUTIE MARK STORY
FB earned her cutie mark talking to other ponies in her school as a teenager. She got her cutie mark after she helped her friend recover emotionally from a break up.
And look at that, it doesn’t. Wow. Great job. It is seriously impressive that you were able to make a character’s defining moment this stupid. I guess I should have expected this from a character who wears a choker unironically.
PERSONALITY
Short-tempered and impatient as of later times. This mare has a lot of patience when it comes to manipulating social situations and people's minds, but has grown annoyed with most things in society itself aside from the few she's taken interest in. While initially even distrusting of others and even adopting a sometimes holier than thou attitude, she is very receptive and understanding of emotional situations and stresses.
A character who is short tempered an impatient wears a choker unironically. Ok, I think I should stop mentioning the choker so much. I might look like I’m putting less effort into this review than they put into this character.
This mare has a lot of patience when it comes to manipulating social situations and people's minds,[quote]
You know, the show is called “Friendship is Magic”, not “Friendship is a method to manipulate others’ emotions to gain things of value”. Holy fuck people. If so many of you view human compassion and relationships like this no wonder you spend all your free time on some dumb brony imageboard.
[quote]While initially even distrusting of others and even adopting a sometimes holier than thou attitude, she is very receptive and understanding of emotional situations and stresses.
Here we go again with the “Is X but also can be Y”. You motherfuckers need to learn what opposites are and stop juxtaposing them. If you are X then be X. If you are Y then be Y. When you end up inevitably breaking character due to extreme circumstance in either your backstory or in RP it will be important to your character and/or give people further insight into who your character is. Otherwise you’re just an egotistical socially inept teenager who wears chokers unironically.
Ok I said that I was going to stop with the choker thing. I lied. It’s just such low hanging fruit I can’t resist.
LIKES
Normal introverted activities, different recipes of Ramen noodles (more specifically beef ramen noodles), getting paid money and surviving is good too. She is not one for having hobbies aside from dealing with other individuals.
Protip: Introverted does not mean that you dislike social activity. It means that social activity requires energy to participate in. If someone is introverted, then they are tired after a long day of being social. Whereas, an extrovert gains energy from interacting socially, and will feel tired or down if they go long periods of time without talking with someone. An introverted person can be just as social as an extroverted person, they just deal with energy dynamics differently.
getting paid money and surviving is good too
Sensational! Might they, perhaps, also appreciate not getting kicked in the head by a steel toed boot?
No shit they like getting paid and surviving. This section is not for telling the reader what they already know. This is about telling the reader what they don’t know about the character. Why would you waste time and space defining something so basic?
She is not one for having hobbies aside from dealing with other individuals.
DISLIKES
Rich ponies, ponies who will not help themselves, psychopharmacological medications, anyone that lacks communication skills, shy ponies, Brazilian wandering spiders and tarantulas, useless answers, loans and interest.
I want to take a poll on how many of these dislikes will never be brought up again in the detailed history section, are put in there haphazardly, and have no impact on the character in any way/shape/form.
useless answers
For the first time, I am relating to this character.
SKILLS
She has grown very skilled with helping her local community with selectively burning patches of grass and things among trees to help with the wildlife service when she is stressed from her booth.
There is nothing of value in here. Says something a little bit about the character, eh?
DETAILED HISTORY
(Excluding foalhood section)
FireBlitz started to provide comfort for her friends that she went to school with and took a basic interest in psychology and sociology. She grew interested for what were originally good intentions, helping other ponies out and providing comfort after going through stressful times.
She went to the local Hooferville Community College to work on getting a degree in the field of psychology after her school teacher recommended it saying there were many job openings in the field. Determined to get out somewhere on her own, she worked hard and received a recommendation to Canterlot's University of Medical Academia. While she was initially ecstatic to get out from under her mom's roof, these plans fell flat as soon as she graduated and her college fund no longer covered the costs of living.
When FireBlitz went into the job field, seeking employment with her degree, it had already become overly saturated. There were no available positions to hire her anywhere and a general distrust of new and upcoming therapists over the older ones.
FireBlitz opened her love advice booth in Canterlot's tourist trap marketplace, making her life off of whatever tips she can get from anyone who passes her booth. She only earns enough bits to cover the rental of the dorm she can not afford to move out of despite having 5 roommates, feed herself and her pet ball python, rental of the booth, and occasionally payments on the loan she took out for her college education.
.
FireBlitz started to provide comfort for her friends that she went to school with and took a basic interest in psychology and sociology
Because nothing inspires sociology such as an act like… acting like a normal human being towards someone you enjoy the company of? What the fuck.
She grew interested for what were originally good intentions, helping other ponies out and providing comfort after going through stressful times.
foreshadow (fôr-shădˈō, fōr-)
v.
To present an indication or a suggestion of beforehand;
This is an example of foreshadowing, where the author is showing the drop in my interest in this character before it actually happens.
She went to the local Hooferville Community College to work on getting a degree in the field of psychology
Probably a B.A. in Psychology.
after her school teacher recommended it saying there were many job openings in the field.
Of which none you’ll be able to get with a liberal arts degree.
these plans fell flat as soon as she graduated and her college fund no longer covered the costs of living.
An example of using bad financial planning as a method of moving the plot forward. Also an example of a stupid character not realising that school’s expensive and saving for both a bachelor’s and masters right off the gate without loans is not possible for the 99%.
When FireBlitz went into the job field, seeking employment with her degree,
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Thanks for putting in a joke that only university students will understand.
There were no available positions to hire her anywhere and a general distrust of new and upcoming therapists over the older ones.
Couldn't’t be further from the truth. They want new staff because they’re significantly cheaper than actually good staff. This is why doctors and nurses usually don’t stay in hospital rosters for very long and end up going private practice. $$$
FireBlitz opened her love advice booth in Canterlot's tourist trap marketplace, making her life off of whatever tips she can get from anyone who passes her booth.
Love Advice! Now 10% more effective than confiding in any random teenager!
She only earns enough bits to cover the rental of the dorm she can not afford to move out of despite having 5 roommates, feed herself and her pet ball python, rental of the booth, and occasionally payments on the loan she took out for her college education.
Another joke that only university students will understand. A shop making enough money to pay student loans? Pffffft.
So lets take a look at this from front to back, right? We’ve learned next to nothing about how any of these events actually shaped the character, why she did any of it, or really what the consequences of these were. You’re treating your character like you’re writing an encyclopedia. That’s stupid. Characters need to be written emotionally. You need to tell us why they make decisions, what motivates them, all that shit. You say that they like manipulating people? How? Why? You say they give love advice? Really? Is it good? Is it false, are they just pulling people’s legs just to get at them? Do they do it from a broken heart or the fact that they’ve never had a relationship before and want to live by second hand romance?
For as many words as you put down, you told me nothing I want to know about your character.
Physical Attributes: 3
Psychological Attributes: 2
Historical Attributes: 1
Unity: 1
No extra points.
Total: 7
Verdict: Requires immediate incineration
TLDR: Someone with no emotional intelligence whatsoever critiques other people on their emotional intelligence.
Starbro Spackle
#60
Hello gentlemen and gentlemen that pretend to be ladies. I’m adding another entry into CA’s most popular OC rating thread today out of sheer kindness of my heart. I mean, not really - I’ve actually been just doing more productive things than this shit and I couldn’t be arsed to rip apart your shitty OCs.
NAME
Heart Container
SEX
Female
SPECIES
Alicorn
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
BODY COLOUR
Blue
MANE COLOUR
Dark Red/Light Red
Imagine having hair that’s both red and red.
EYE COLOUR
Blue/Red
Your picture tells me your eyes are fucking purple, but I’m willing to let it slide given that Blue/Red make purple anyways. Also if you try and pull that Heterochromia bullshit I will literally open palm smack a squirrel.
Mixing primary colours is a fucking no-no. Pick one, or none. Two or more just makes me want to kill myself. Though I want to give you props for having your primaries be a different colour on the tip, I want to shank you as well for having a unicorn horn and wings exist on the same corpus. The term mutually exclusive is in play here, and your Alicorn OC is an affront to the natural order. Pick a team, one or the other.
FOALHOOD
Heart's childhood was pretty average. She was born into a working class family as a pegasus. Her parents owned a counseling business, in which they helped other ponies with any types of issues. Heart grew to like the type of job her parents were doing and pursued in their foot steps. Because her family didn't have a lot of money, she didn't go to any fancy private schools or anything, but she did make new friends along the way and enemies too. Her childhood was pretty good overall. She got her cutiemark after helping one friend of hers with a relationship issue, which is then when she realized that her talent was to help ponies with relationships and spread love.
This paragraph is an absolutely fantastic example of giving only examples of things that people don’t give a shit about. I don’t give a shit about whether she liked the job of her parents, and that she decided to do something similar. I want to know WHY. I want to know WHY she made the friends and enemies that she did. What part of her personality encouraged her to be friends with person A vs person B? I want to know what her motivations were to help her friend out of her relationship issues, I want to know what kind of life experience she drew to give the comfort and support that she did.
she realized that her talent was to help ponies with relationships and spread love.
I want to know what about counselling spreads love because the only counsellors I have gone to see have told me that my ‘boyfriend’ is filing a restraining order and my parole officer telling me that I missed my court date.
Heart's childhood was pretty average.
I swear to fucking god I hope you all learn not to make stupid pointless general statements like this
That is boring! Super boring. Obnoxiously boring. Do you want to waste people’s time with something boring and pointless? I think not. Put some fucking effort into your OCs.
CUTIE MARK
A blue heart
Giving me the OC critic version of blue balls.
CUTIE MARK STORY
One time, a friend of hers was having an issue with her relationship. Her friend was considering breaking up with her coltfriend, as she was feeling like the love for him had faded away. Heart Container spent a lot of time working with her friend, giving her advice on many different things she could try to light up the flame again. Eventually, after many sessions of work and advice, she achieved the goal of saving the relationship. At that point her curiemark appeared right in front of her friend.
So lets first identify that she helped a single friend not dump her SO for such a bullshit reason and apparently that’s life defining. Lets then identify that this character’s talent supposedly is giving advice but it’s never specified that it’s any GOOD. Lets finally identify that this character is literally just giving advice and trying to remote-seduce this friend and apparently that’s enough to be considered good enough to become a personal counselor.
Counselors are in one of two baskets, ones that advise clinically, and ones that advise based on life experience either second hand or first hand. Above all the former is preferred well beyond any kook that has achieved not dying for long periods of time. Nothing in this characters description tells me that they have developed any proficiency whatsoever in the practice of social work, nor have any goals related to the ACTUAL goal of social work. Which by the way, is not spreading happiness. Social workers are the lowest form of clinical psychological assistance and are usually only good for misleading their clients based on whatever flavour of holier than thou’ness is popular in that time. A new self help book comes out and suddenly every single social worker from Santa Barbara to Miami wants to jerk off to it. That’ll be $75 come back next week for your session that is simultaneously too short, and a gigantic hassle because you end up spending double the session time just travelling to that shit.
But I digress.
PERSONALITY
She is loving, caring, stern, extrovert
Great personality. You’re so unique and interesting that I feel like taking time out of my day to help you figure out ways to improve your character.
LIKES
Flowers, walks, music, children, stallions, mares, candy, apples, games, parties, sleepovers, personal space, reading, quiet places, sleep
If I wanted a list I’d go subscribe to watchmojo.com (Today’s post sponsor BTW)
Don’t just list of a bunch of random stuff that anyone could like in any combination for no reason whatsoever. Let your likes be an opportunity to show off your character and WHY they like these certain things and why it’s impactful to the character.
DISLIKES
Rudeness or disrespect, spiders, sour candy, cheaters
Yay more random nouns. At least this gives me the opportunity to day dream about what kind of character this would be if you actually explained why these things are on this goddamn list.
SKILLS
.
Given that this is blank, your character is going to be terrible at anything that they do, and I feel bad for anyone who happens to be their patient.
DETAILED HISTORY
Unfortunately, I do not have Heart's detailed story, as I lost it with the Squares and was unable to retrieve it from Wayback Machine. I can't find my profile
I appreciate you putting in the effort to rewrite your history from memory so that I won’t waste my time typing up a post for your character that I know nothing about but still hate unconditionally.
Physical Attributes: 2
Psychological Attributes: 1
Historical Attributes: 1
Unity: 1
No extra points.
Total: 5
Verdict: Requires immediate incineration
TLDR: A character with the intelligence level of /r/holdmybeer finds their passion for not having enough information to fill in a 17 question form.
Chiller Sway
#61
:eyes: Saw Heart Container :eyes:
"Ohh this'll be good."
Starbro Spackle
#62
There you go, two posts on the same day. I spoil you guys too much. Time to go to sleep and wake up 9 months later. Fuck off.
NAME
Brody Dusk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygI-2F8ApUMSEX
Male
SPECIES
Pony - Pegasus
BODY COLOUR
White Cream (#FCFCF
Close your brackets you absolute MONSTER
MANE COLOUR
lighter shades of Black, idk the name (#2D2E30 and #3A3B3F)
Black’s a shade so your statement is redundant.
EYE COLOUR
Emerald (#09F900)
God that scarf makes you look 11 shades of hipster smug and I hate it.
FOALHOOD
Born in Trottingham and loved the music that came out from the city. after his development of his intrest in music he went through grade school at a academy in the far east, taking enjoyment in music, kendo, and reading.
I’m going to put exactly as much effort as you put into your description into my response.
CUTIE MARK
" alt="" class="parsed_image" /
Red Stratocaster (#C12206) cant find the old file
Holy shit you *are* hipster smug.
CUTIE MARK STORY
When he was 7, he gave a small family concert while his uncle was in town. He borrowed his uncle's stratocaster and amp to play and began playing. As he was playing, the mark appeared.
What situation caused him to have a concert? How did his parent’s upbringing motivate him to take up music? What sort of person was his uncle, and why did he have a stratocaster? Also I’d like to point out that the stratocaster design is so overused at this point it’s the pumpkin spice of string instruments.
Fucking basic.
PERSONALITY
He is extremely extroverted. He can start up a conversation about anything. He lacks a bit of a filter between his brain and mouth and can end up rambling or saying some odd stuff. He is extremely hyperactive and always must be doing something, whether it be fiddling with something, tapping his hooves, or twitching his ears. He can’t multitask, but he works when he’s focused in on one thing. Generally happy and positive so there is a smirk on his face most of the time.
For someone who talks so much and has talked so much throughout his entire life you think he’d be smart enough to fix the retard link between brain and mouth. I’d also suggest using a word other than hyperactive because it gives the incorrect connotation. Restless would probably be better.
He can’t multitask, but he works when he’s focused in on one thing.
So basically, he’s like 78% of the population? I don’t give a shit about this, tell me something interesting.
LIKES
Guitar, Koto, Sawdust, and coffee with more cream than actual coffee
Fuck off with the lists and give me some details.
DISLIKES
Grannysmith apples, tuning instruments, and grainy textures
Again, fuck your lists tell me something I actually give a shit about.
tuning instruments
Fuck you tuning bagpipes is amazing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTYLQiVn_Ck
SKILLS
Making instruments and playing those same instruments, Kendo,
How come it’s taken you this long to mention that you build your own instruments? That’s the first part of this character I actually cared about and want to see more of. Build on this.
DETAILED HISTORY
Brody was born in the old mining city of Trottingham. His mother Azure and father Shiloh raised him up there for the first part of his life. His mother and father both worked as instrument repair ponies, fixing almost every instrument brought to them. His first home was a decently sized cabin in the wooded area outside of town with a work shed in the back yard. The Cabin was large enough to fit them all and was extremely nice. His room was on the top floor (2nd floor) of the cabin where he was able to climb through a window and sit on the roof during starlit nights. The town was prominent for its raw resources, but with the many ponies that came, music followed. While the northern region of the city was more original-mining-town, the southern was artsy and filled with music and colorful scenes. He loved music as a kid, especially string instruments. His first instrument was a ukulele, due to his small size as a child. He couldn’t play or hold it properly, but that didn’t stop him from trying to play.
When he was 6, his family took him to a far eastern land, close to the outlands, to experience the culture. It was to be a vacation, but an interest from the whole family took hold of a new endeavor. The ancient culture was full of sounds and activities he dearly loved. His parents had decided that there was ample money to be made there, renovating and fixing old and broken instruments and they settled down there for a bit. Brody became integrated with the language and the music. He was schooled and took part in several of his academy’s clubs. Besides music, he enjoyed kendo and reading. The main reason he liked kendo was he wanted to swing a sword, even if it wasn’t a REAL sword. He made a couple close friends in kendo; many he still writes to this day. When he hit 18 and graduated, he headed back home to Equestria to look for work.
He signed on to an apprenticeship to work with his Uncle River, who made Violas in Canterlot. It was fun work and he was lucky enough to find a dojo nearby to keep up his fascination in swinging a bamboo sword. Eventually he became a part-time instructor at the dojo on days he had off. Canterlot wasn’t his favorite city though. He enjoyed working for his uncle but he felt the city was too crowded and there wasn’t enough natural landscape. So, after his apprenticeship he packed up and moved back to Trottingham. One of his old kendo buddies met up and they both paired up to move into the house Brody used to live in. Brody took his old room and used the small work shed in the back to repair instruments, just like his parents. Brody still did kendo work with his old buddy at the new dojo that he (the roommate) opened. Now he spends his free time either doing personal projects or traveling across Equestria and experiencing the music each town had.
So
Shiloh
I pronounced this in my head uncomfortably close to Shelob and now I can’t stop thinking your character’s a spider. Thanks.
His mother and father both worked as instrument repair ponies, fixing almost every instrument brought to them
So I get it. Doing an obscure blue collar job and making a living out of it is romantic, expecially when you combine it with the small humble hut trope. But holy fuck please make it realistic. Do they literally only repair this shit? How do they get enough business to support themselves? Can’t they sell instruments as well? Can’t they be a dealer and have shit going on with orchestras? Contracts? You know, actually interesting details?
decently sized cabin
My definition and your definition of decently is different. Specify. Don’t use measurements because that’s dumb.
While the northern region of the city was more original-mining-town, the southern was artsy and filled with music and colorful scenes.
So the northern town actually gets stuff done and the southern part is full of liberal arts majors that don’t contribute to the economy in any tangible way?
He couldn’t play or hold it properly,
What a nerd.
When he was 6, his family took him to a far eastern land, close to the outlands, to experience the culture.
Good thing he doesn’t live on earth otherwise the culture’d be coming to him.
His parents had decided that there was ample money to be made there, renovating and fixing old and broken instruments and they settled down there for a bit.
I, too, can learn to repair ancient instruments that I’ve never seen before in my life while I’m on vacation and spontaneously decide to immigrate there.
Business back in the mining town must have been absolute shit. But then how did they get enough money to go on a vacation? Did I just stumble into Rian Johnson’s mind?
----
The rest of your description is so boring and by the numbers I didn’t finish reading it. Nothing is interesting, you’re just telling me what happened. None of this is giving me any information on who your character is, or why they do what they do. I couldn’t give a shit what brand of bullshit martial art you decide to do, I want to know why it’s important to you. I wanna know what led up to him being an instructor. I don’t give a fuck what he’s an instructor of I wanna know why he did it.
Physical Attributes: 3
Psychological Attributes: 2
Historical Attributes: 2
Unity: 1
No extra points.
Total: 8
Verdict: Requires immediate incineration
TLDR: If San Francisco was an OC. With approximately 100% less obnoxious homosexuality.
Starbro Spackle
#63
NAME
Satmatnen "Butterscotch" Ormand
Fucking immigrants.
SEX
Male
SPECIES
Pony - Earth
BODY COLOUR
Light grey
MANE COLOUR
Black, with streaks of orange and dark grey
Jesus christ and I thought my OC was boring.
EYE COLOUR
Light green
Literally only one colour on this entire character. What part of ‘Pastel Coloured Ponies’ do you not understand? Fuck, grey is the worst colour to pick for an OC.
FOALHOOD
<Sorry for the length>
He was born the third and final child in his family. His father, his older brother, and his older sister are all unicorns while his mother is a pegasus.
His parents were both nerds. They met in a constructed language club, and really loved this one language that was based solely on predicate logic. They attempted to raise all three of their children to be native speakers,thinking they'd be extra smart and logical. Butterscotch was the only one of their children to hold onto the language, and he still maintains fluency in it despite the fact he is the world's only native speaker.
His name, "Satmatnen" was also derived from this language, but he adopted the nickname "Butterscotch" (after an incident in kindergarten involving a trip to the nurse and an unguarded bowl of candy) to make things easier for Equestrian speakers.
He was his biologist mother's favorite because he loved science and held onto her favorite language. Her older sister, Tujlil, resented him for this, now trapped as the middle child. She developed a narcissistic personality and used any opportunity she could to put Butterscotch down, with her go-to dig being attacking the fact that he was born an earth pony, and had to do everything with his mouth or hooves instead of magic.
Luckily, he was raised in a small farm town in Zebrastan. His family moved there before he was forming any permanent memories. The fact that everyone around him in public was a zebra made Tujlil think twice before saying something bigoted to him outside the home.
He took to schooling easily, and spent a lot of his free time thinking. He thought about various things, such as how he would restructure the Zebrastani (and later, Equestrian) political system, what devices could be produced to help non-magic users out in their day to day life, and why groups of ponies/zebras/other sentient species behaved the way they do, seemingly without logic at times.
His parents did grow a plant that was illegal to grow in Zebrastani jurisdiction, and he was raised to be really secretive about it. This lead to him developing a paranoid personality, which started to grow out of hand. He started to interpret the fact that he had no rivalries, but no close friendship, at school as evidence that he was obviously mentally ill and the other children were too polite to say anything. He prepared contingency plans in case Tujlil's harassment escalated. After hearing about the world threatening events taking place in Equestria after Luna's return, he always kept three days of food and water in his saddlebags if something like that happened in Zebrastan. Most importantly, he was paranoid that no one would like his thoughts that went against mainstream political ideologies, his "just-in-case" attitude towards planning the future, and his long trains of thought involving heavy amounts of science. Because of this, he wore a mask of bubbly cheerfulness and hid his inner self from others to protect himself from the perceived danger of ostracization.
.
<Sorry for the length>
Apology rejected. I’ll accept an apology if what you wrote is shit.
He was born the third and final child
One sin for being the baby born.
They attempted to raise all three of their children to be native speakers,thinking they'd be extra smart and logical
I thought you said that your parents were nerds, not actively working to sabotage their children’s social life. Fuck if anyone tried to list that as one of their skills they’d get beaten up so quickly.
he still maintains fluency in it despite the fact he is the world's only native speaker.
Obviously you haven’t heard the absolute linguistic gymnastics that someone can accomplish when they’re high off their ass on meth during a police traffic stop.
"Butterscotch" (after an incident in kindergarten involving a trip to the nurse and an unguarded bowl of candy) to make things easier for Equestrian speakers.
And it couldn’t have come fucking sooner. Imagine your primary character trait being confusing the literal fuck out of people on a daily basis. Just like parents naming their children with absolutely stupid ghetto names like LaQuisha or DaQuan.
He was his biologist mother's favorite
You can tell when someone hasn’t been a parent yet when they say ‘favourite’ instead of ‘least hated’. I bet that his mum’s going to be a narcissist and he’s going to be the golden child.
Tujlil, resented him for this, now trapped as the middle child. She developed a narcissistic personality
OK I was half right. But seriously, too predictable. Also if you’re going to use a clinical term like narcissist, you should actually know what it means in a clinical context. Being mean to him consistently is not narcissism. That’s just being a dick. Using a clinical term incorrectly just makes you look like an idiot. And since most people are not health care providers - just save yourself the trouble and don’t use clinical terms.
The fact that everyone around him in public was a zebra made Tujlil think twice before saying something bigoted to him outside the home.
Why? There’s no logic here. Also you’re using the word bigot incorrectly here.
spent a lot of his free time thinking. He thought about various things, such as how he would restructure the Zebrastani (and later, Equestrian) political system,
See, this is why you need to beat up nerds in school. Because they end up ruminating on issues that they are not old enough to fully understand, and end up becoming pretentious fucks that don’t shut up about how libertarianism is the optimal way to shape a nation. It’s incorrect, annoying, and absolutely useless when it comes out of the mouth of a naive teenager.
seemingly without logic at times.
Nothing about the last few sentences is logical in any way. It’s actually quite vexing.
His parents did grow a plant that was illegal to grow in Zebrastani jurisdiction
He started to interpret the fact that he had no rivalries, but no close friendship, at school as evidence that he was obviously mentally ill
See, this is why nerds can’t be allowed to procreate. They just set their children up for failure. They cannot instill the proper social competence into their offspring and the only people that end up suffering are the children. They think that there’s something wrong with them, which I guess is half correct. But the other half is that their parents are absentee fuckwits who forgot that the key to survival is social interaction not being able to speak pig latin. The latter is just a fun party trick when the guy with the guitar got sick of playing nothing but Wonderwall for 2 hours.
he was paranoid that no one would like his thoughts that went against mainstream political ideologies
Yeah, no kidding. Being conservative in a city is fucking terrible.
Wait hold on.
his long trains of thought involving heavy amounts of science
None of his trains of thought are actual science. They are on supposedly scientific subjects, but what your character is thinking about is just stupid tween straight to DVD movie plot shit.
he wore a mask of bubbly cheerfulness and hid his inner self from others to protect himself from the perceived danger of ostracization
So he’s just like everyone else?
I love people who parade their so called ‘ability’ to mask their true emotions to protect themselves. It’s not a special ability. It’s not a character trait. Everyone does this, nobody is genuine. Stop flaunting like you’re some sort of special snowflake breaking the mould.
Go do some reading: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Id,_ego_and_super-ego
CUTIE MARK
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Somehow, It's not there.
I like how you spent literally 7 paragraphs describing how your character was special and different from anyone else and the only tangible method to differentiate your character doesn’t exist.
This is irony.
CUTIE MARK STORY
The fact that it isn't there is something that bothers Butterscotch from time to time. He has always wanted to know why he never got it. He did form a few theories, including, but not limited to:
* He was never supposed to be talented in anything in particular
* He has yet to discover his purpouse
* He has a undiscovered condition that prevents cutie marks from forming
* That zebra filly he rejected in middle school was vengeful and placed a hex on him
* Blah Blah magical matrix hand-wave that the unicorns understand but he doesn't
* His cutie mark is nothing because of his nihilistic world view.
It doesn't affect him when he's busy, but he does have the nagging urge to know engraved at the back of his skull. When people ask him, he usually says "I don't know" and hopes there will be no more follow up questions.
The list of theories doesn’t matter. It doesn’t help to illustrate the point. Just cut it down to “He had an extensive list of endless possibilities and probabilities, somehow being able to add more to the mix as time went by. Each new theory was markably more elaborate and improbable than their predecessors, as he continued to find reason and justification for his incarceration.”
Specific details make for poor character building. I don’t give a flying fuck about the what, I want the why. The above illustrates how he feels about his current situation using implied imagery and metaphor. Write your character’s actions in their emotions, not in their inner monologue.
PERSONALITY
He knows how to read people. Online, he has trouble reading emotions through text, but he can assimilate quickly in real life. When possible, he works as an emotional support or to de-escalate tension. He is always calculating and takes emotions out of important decisions while embracing their evolutionary purpose in day to day life. He tries to manipulate people into seeing the world in a more scientific light, but slowly and in a way that keeps the person he's talking with interested. He knows that sometimes he talks much more about it than others appreciate, and is constantly working to stop it. His views are utilitarian and his moral compass is built around helping as many as possible.
NO. He does NOT know how to read people. If he knew how to read people half of his backstory wouldn’t exist. His literal primary character trait is that he is lonely and isolated. If he knew how to read people, he wouldn’t be isolated. He’d be socially competent and be able to navigate social interaction with no challenge.
Don’t you fucking spend 7 paragraphs whining to me that you’re so misunderstood and isolated then come at me with this shit. This is fucking offensive.
What’s even more offensive is his shitty holier than thou attitude. Like fuck this is why people that call themselves ‘nerds’ are so fucking insufferable. Life is not an opportunity to show people how right you are. Neither is it a playground to put your oh so precious ‘gift’ to good use, praying on people who just want to have a fucking conversation without having to deal with subliminal malicious bullshit. People like this always think they have the moral high ground but they’re really just so socially inept that they subject themselves to the Dunning-Kruger effect and they are too myopic to understand. If they had any sliver of capability for self reflection they’d be cured of their ‘gift’ overnight.
Smart people do not think they’re smart. Smart people only know how dumb they really are.
All you are doing here is establishing that you yourself are the furthest thing from an academic, and are an active contributer to the fucking politics that is causing the Replication Crisis.
LIKES
Discussion about the full implications of scientific breakthroughs, thinking through thought experiments, transport logistics, learning, and teaching others.
Fuck off blank flank. You’ve still got a while to go before you join the real world.
DISLIKES
Anti-intellectualism, logical fallacies (particularly the black and white fallacy), alienating others because of his interests, and literature classes.
Also, fuck you and listing a bunch of shit without actually explaining it.
SKILLS
Visualizing abstract concepts, finding interesting applications for his knowledge (though most are hypothetical), and being oddly sneaky.
All of the applications for his knowledge are hypothetical. It being not hypothetical requires him to possess some sort of practical knowledge to begin with.
DETAILED HISTORY
Throughout high school, he slowly started to create a tight-knit core group of friends. While he maintained the "friendly acquaintance to every one, close friend to no one" attitude towards people outside the group, inside the group there was a lot of idea bouncing, political discussion, and talk about projects they wanted to work on while they were board. While this group was full of people with opposing world views, everyone there was willing to be convinced by a good argument and no topic was sacred. Butterscotch was at home there. Another Equestrian immigrant taught him the basic theories behind unicorn magic, and the two became best friends.
Senior year, he participated in the Manehannesburg science fair, entering plans for a crude telescope that used a phase-shift spell to convert various non visible wavelengths of light into a visible form. While he couldn't preform the magic, he did show that such a spell is possible under the known laws of magic, and made a strong case for why such a telescope would be useful.
He won fifth place, which granted him a partial scholarship to a zebrastani college of his choice. At the same time, the Canterlot Institute of Technology was secretly working on a similar project, and thought the Butterscotch would make a good addition to the team working on it. They offered him a full scholarship and to cover moving costs, while not telling him that he was to work on this project until he got there.
On campus, he became lonely. It took him a while to adjust to Equestrian social norms, and to transition from a high school graduating class of 150 to a campus of tens of thousands of students. These numbers made it harder for him to find close friends that shared his love for discussion. The problem was exacerbated by the fact that everyone was busy with school, many of the students were elitists, and that his "major" was learning whatever he needed to be the asset the institute needed to push the project by the princesses' dead line.
He did eventually make friends with a griffon student, Klaus, that was also recruited just to work on the project. The two eventually got their hands on some cyber security textbooks and taught themselves crude hacking techniques. The two were inseparable and started to do everything together. Klaus helped Butterscotch overcome his paranoia of every little thing else, while Butterscotch helped his friend with his self esteem issues.
The two, with the rest of their team, was dropped from the project when it moved to a new team in the Crystal Empire. Everyone on the team was granted unlimited tuition remission as compensation. Klaus and Butterscotch were finally allowed to be normal college students, both working towards degrees in computer science and establishing a new science-based political party in the Canterlot city council.
Throughout high school, he slowly started to create a tight-knit core group of friends.
This is explicitly contrary to what’s written in the Foalhood section. If this represents a change, you did not give it the due significance, as this would be a significant shift from the paranoid isolated pretentious little shit you’ve been describing so far.
projects they wanted to work on while they were board.
Irony.
While this group was full of people with opposing world views, everyone there was willing to be convinced by a good argument and no topic was sacred.
The wonderful thing about having opposing opinions on fundamental topics is that they become absolutely mutually exclusive, and a ‘club’ like this would never be able to be maintained long-term. Because eventually everyone in the group would homogenize to the single most efficient method for anything. Especially given that they are at least somewhat open minded.
Another Equestrian immigrant taught him the basic theories behind unicorn magic, and the two became best friends.
You’d think the isolationist making a best friend for the first time in his entire life would have received more than just a single sentence at the end of a paragraph.
On campus, he became lonely. It took him a while to adjust to Equestrian social norms,
What the actual fuck? He went from being an isolationist paranoid prick to a social butterfly and now he’s apparently needing to adjust from who he was fundamentally in the first place? Holy shit can you please be consistent with your character, please?
The two, with the rest of their team, was dropped from the project when it moved to a new team in the Crystal Empire.
Haha get fucked.
Everyone on the team was granted unlimited tuition remission as compensation.
This would never happen and is so absolutely unbelievable that it torpedoes any remaining integrity of your character.
See this is a very common issue with a lot of characters. That they are just given the solution to their problems simply for existing. You are making it easy for your character to accomplish their goals - mostly likely from characters commonly being self inserts. You want to imagine yourself as intelligent, witty, and to have purpose or be relied upon. However you only get to own these traits if you actually fucking work for it. Nothing in any of those paragraphs described his work ethic or his dedication to the project - but he’s just given a waive to all future tuition?
Your character didn’t earn that at all. They simply existed. They were given their success. And they are worse off for it. People want characters to go through hardship, and obtain success or victory or whatever other positive thought as a consequence of their dedication. That’s the whole point of every single basic story type. Hero’s Journey, Rags to Riches, Man vs. Whatever. All of that is characters facing adversity and overcoming it through any number of ways. If you are going to write your character like they overcame adversity because they got given a position on a project then were fired, your character is basically the wet napkin of storytelling.
Physical Attributes: 2
Psychological Attributes: 1
Historical Attributes: 1
Unity: 1
No extra points.
Total: 5
Verdict: Requires immediate incineration
That 2 on physical attributes is a consolation prize. Originally I wanted to give you the lowest possible score. Congratulations. Let this be motivation for you to write something that isn’t shit.
TLDR: Superiority Complex: The Character
Starbro Spackle
#64
NAME
Heart Star
SEX
Female
SPECIES
Pony - Unicorn
BODY COLOUR
fae2ff
MANE COLOUR
a7856a, f4a5aa
EYE COLOUR
3f2d21
Your character looks like they have granular corneal dystrophy. I will be kind of impressed if this is what you’re actually going after, as opposed to just adding random shit to your character in the futile attempt to make it spechul.
FOALHOOD
Was bullied into believing that she is ugly
What? They were correct.
Also fuck you put more effort into your shit and stop wasting my time.
CUTIE MARK
Two Warp Stars and a heart
Good design, even if overly simplistic.
CUTIE MARK STORY
She got the heart part of the cutie mark by doing some generally nice thing (not sure exactly what, though.) The Warp Stars were added one night when Heart went stargazing and she found a fallen star. There was some glowy magic stuff and then Heart had cutie mark Warp Stars.
What is with people and submitting incomplete characters. Fuck you. I’m not doing any more of this if you refuse to not waste everyone’s time. I can’t give you any feedback if there’s nothing there.
Last update on January 21, 3:18 pm by Starbro Spackle.
Starbro Spackle
#65
NAME
Green Leaf
Fucking immigrants.
SEX
Male
SPECIES
Pony - Earth
BODY COLOUR
Bright Green
MANE COLOUR
Bright Yellow
EYE COLOUR
Bright Red
You saying “bright” over and over and over again tells me you have no fucking clue how colours work.
FOALHOOD
Born to a family of average wealth in Ponyville, Green Leaf was the first of his siblings to be born. He wasn't too smart in most subjects at school, but ask him a biology question or anything to do with nature and he'd be on it like a foal to a candy shop. Growing up in Ponyville was peaceful enough, and Green Leaf was content with his early years as his parents adored him. But, at five years old, his twin siblings were born, a brother and a sister. His brother, Quiet Leap, and his sister, Swirly Cream, were now the stars in his parent's eyes, for a year or so he despised his siblings for taking away his parent's attention. But eventually, he realized that it was only natural for his parents to give his siblings more attention as they were younger. Soon after he accepted that, he began to look for friends, and found some. His best friend was a male unicorn filly named Tasty Fruit. The two did everything together, but then Tasty Fruit moved to Canterlot, leaving Green Leaf all alone. But by then, Green Leaf was okay with things changing in his life. And the one of his biggest changes of all happened a couple days after Tasty Fruit left.
.
But eventually, he realized that it was only natural for his parents to give his siblings more attention as they were younger.
This is excellent awareness and introspection, and thus should be as far away from your character as possible. If you give them an easy out over a very interesting character dynamic then all you’re doing is making your character boring as fuck.
His best friend was a male unicorn filly named Tasty Fruit.
Supposedly he’s your best friend and you guys did everything together, but no specifics are worth mentioning? There’s nothing about this other character that’s worth your time to put on paper beyond the fact that they existed? C’mon. Be more creative than that. When you mention something in your foalhood, it should have some impact on your character one way or another. It’s the same rule in cinema - if you show something, it better be fucking relevant to what’s in the movie.
Right now I give less of a shit about Tasty Fruit than I did before I knew he existed.
Your foalhood is boring and by the numbers, and there’s nothing interesting that alludes to your future beyond “Biology yo”. Expand on that.
CUTIE MARK
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Four green leaves behind a white medkit with a red cross on it.
This better not be a symbol for medical marijuana.
CUTIE MARK STORY
All through his foalhood Green Leaf loved to take walks, just enjoying the scenery. He loved biology too, studying the anatomy of not only ponies, but other creatures too. It was a cool day in the summer. Green Leaf was 10 years old, he was taking a walk near the Everfree when he heard a scream from inside the forest. He noticed nobody else was around, so he did what his parents always told him not to do. He entered the forest to find somepony he wasn't expecting at all. Tasty Fruit. The first thing he noticed was Tasty Fruit's hind leg bleeding profusely. The second thing he noticed was that Tasty Fruit was unconscious. So Green Leaf laid down his medkit, which he carries everywhere (just in case), and patched up Tasty Fruit's leg. Shortly after, Tasty Fruit woke up and they galloped out of the forest. Once outside, Tasty Fruit told Green Leaf that he actually came to Ponyville looking for him, but was attacked and dragged into the forest by his hind leg by Timberwolves. For some reason they stopped following attacking him once he fainted. And the moment Tasty Fruit thanked Green Leaf, Green Leaf's Cutie Mark appeared.
.
The second thing he noticed was that Tasty Fruit was unconscious.
People don’t go unconscious for no fucking reason. In this case he either had major blood loss (dead) or a major concussion (close to dead, with permanent brain damage).
So Green Leaf laid down his medkit, which he carries everywhere (just in case)
Well isn’t that fucking convenient.
Shortly after, Tasty Fruit woke up and they galloped out of the forest.
He isn’t galloping anywhere with that leg. Be mindful of your continuity otherwise you look like a spaz who hasn’t taken his adderall.
For some reason they stopped following attacking him once he fainted.
Well isn’t that fucking convenient.
And the moment Tasty Fruit thanked Green Leaf, Green Leaf's Cutie Mark appeared.
Imagine being such a weak character that the highlight of your life is to apply (likely improperly) first aid techniques that can be learned in less than an hour. Cutie marks appearing are supposed to be a realization, not a reinforcement of already present habits. He already had a medkit available (apparently) with the intention of using it. Having your cutie mark come from something that was *planned* is weak as fuck and not compelling.
Not to mention that the entire scenario is shallow and pathetic, and obviously hand crafted with the sole purpose of exposing your character to an opportunity to use his skills. It’s basic and boring, and nobody wants to read it except you.
PERSONALITY
Kind and caring, always wanting to help other ponies and creatures. Quick to make a joke in times of need, and nerds out on things he likes.
Oh look, a personality that’s almost identical to almost every single other character in the world.
KIND? How rare.
CARING? Who does that anymore!
Nerds out on things he likes? No! You can’t be serious. Nobody EVER holds enthusiasm for something that they are interested in!
Fuck do something original for once in your life that isn’t just looking in the mirror and trying to convince yourself that you’re special. Fuck off.
LIKES
Fruit, Biology, Nature, Helping Others, Any Kind Of Humor
And why the fuck does he like any of these things?
Also any kind of humour? For one, I highly doubt that, and two - if you’re not going to give any justification for why he likes humour then don’t put it in there in the first place.
DISLIKES
Bullies and Ice Cream
Oh no. Look guys! He hates *bullies*!
Not only do we get absolutely no justification for why he dislikes bullies, but he dislikes something that is so unbelievably broad and applicable to literally everyone on the entire planet that it’s useless to specify.
I’ll give you a hint - everyone’s been a bully at some point. Even you. Definitely me. Everyone on the planet has been mean or rude to someone. There are no exceptions. This is why nobody will get rid of bullying, because the thing that creates bullies is context, circumstance, and opportunity. Because as long as there’s retards on this planet, people will be biologically driven to tell them to fuck off. Destroy the weak unless they become stronger. It’s one of the ways our species survives. So don’t give me this bullshit.
SKILLS
Good at healing creatures in need. Courageous
The idea of “Healing” is just as broad and non-applicable as the idea of calling being “courageous” a skill. It’s not specific enough to make me give a shit about what you’re doing. It’s actually so non-specific that it doesn’t even really give your character any depth to begin with since it’s so abstract.
What a useless specification.
DETAILED HISTORY
After he got his cutie mark, Green Leaf started working in the medical field at Ponyville and eventually developed a crush on somepony that he keeps private to this day. Still living in Ponyville alongside his best friend Tasty Fruit, he is happy doing what he does. Meanwhile his brother and sister both serve in the Royal Guard in Canterlot and his parents retired to a small Equestrian town called Duskville. To this day, he was the youngest pony to get a PhD in Biology at age 17.
This is stupid and useless.
First of all, way too short. It says DETAILED history for a fucking reason. If you believe that a couple of sentences is enough to get by being detailed then I have no fucking clue how your character can do anything intelligent.
Imagine your character being so shallow and uninspired while simultaneously being obnoxiously overpowered for the context that immediately following getting their cutie mark (something that is granted when they are a *child* mind you), they start working in the medical field. It is obnoxious and completely unbelievable, and sabotages any remote chance of anyone actually enjoying this character from a relatability or even identifiability standpoint.
And again, if you’re going to mention something don’t give me blue balls by not giving me specifics, details, or even worse saying something like “That he keeps private to this day”. This isn’t a fucking dating profile, this is a goddamn character sheet. If you’re not going to give me all the details, you’re wasting my time. I don’t give a shit about your characters stupid fascination about keeping a childhood crush secret, I need to know about it because it’s obviously important to your character’s motivation and characterization, right? Otherwise you wouldn’t be putting it in the character sheet, right?
What’s even more egregious is your inclusion of the detail that your character got a PhD in Biology at 17. Which at this point I find so unbelievably hilarious that the only thing that you could think of to make your character unique and interesting is to just slap a degree on him like he’s a disobedient hound and call it a fucking day.
Where’s the previous 10ish years of schooling that he had to go to just to get into a PhD program? Where’s the explanation or at least storyline of the research that he was doing, and the field that he was working on his road to gaining this degree?
Also you do realise that a PhD in Biology is a research/academic degree and is not a technical degree like an MD-PhD.
Your character didn’t earn his PhD, and so nobody will give a shit about it. Nobody cares for a character that just gets what you think they should get and doesn’t do fuck all to earn it.
Physical Attributes: 2
Psychological Attributes: 1
Historical Attributes: 1
Unity: 1
No extra points.
Total: 5
Verdict: Requires immediate incineration
The only reason why I’m giving you an extra point in Physcial attributes is because I have no empirical evidence that your definition of “bright” isn’t fucking atrocious and will turn me into the nazi from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” and melt away my face.
Get some motivation to make something that is worth something more than a fucking participation score.
TLDR: Imagine writing a character about your own life’s hopes and dreams but not have the presence of mind to plan out how your character’s going to get it. Might tell you how likely you are to actually accomplish your goals yourself if you don’t smarten the fuck up.
Bright Brave
#66
I curse thee
Calamity
#67
Really hope these are still open frjjnk