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Svarlet Batfire
by on February 8, 2019
This is officially one of those moments I just feel like curling up in a ball and crying myself to sleep. But it will take a few hours before that happens. So in the meantime I just contemplate how much I hate my life now and am wishing so many things can be different. Its once more a time where my mind shuts down on me and wants to never turn back on. I want to run into a dark corner and sit with my head between my legs and never come out. Even if it means never eating or sleeping. This is a time where I would rather die whether or not I see good things in my future. What am i here for really? Am I just here for someone's enjoyment? Do they like making me suffer and watching me cry all day and all night? Do they like to watch me lose my friends? Lose my family? Am I the jester in this story? Just someone of little to no importance in this quest for Camelot? The servant to the servant of the royals? Who acts as a stool that one merely rests his feet upon? Why do I have to feel like this? Can't I be the happy person I was two days ago? The one smiling with real joy and loving the world? No. The answer is always no. I have tried time and time again but even the fake smiles fade after a point in time. What am I doing here? Who am I?
The other girls from the other servers, other websites, states, countries, They are all so beautiful. You can take one look at the picture and can react with your heart exploding out of your chest or even sweat coming down your face. I can be jealous all I want and it wont help my cause. I can complain about all this stuff all I want and it won't change things. I can eat less, work out, wear make-up and jewelry, use filters, change my hair, and it still won't be good enough. So I stop. I stop everything. All that it does is making things worse. What do I do if neither works? Move on? But how can I? Maybe I have too many flaws. I should have requested the man at the register to label me as damaged goods when I bought all the crap I used to try and change who I am. Sorry that I forgot the warning label. But what else can I do?
You said you would come. You said you would be here. I counted on you. You were going to be my savior. The one who took me from my troubles. The one who chases me down the rabbit whole only to bring me back to reality. Don't let me drown in this sea of madness. Be the captain and steer me away from the past. Don't be Octopus that drags me back into the darkness. I want to push past the storm. But you left me. You forgot me. You never came. And now I feel doomed once more. I fear if the lightning strikes any harder it may cause a fire. What if I never survive this endlessness of dark clouds? You had a chance to take me to the other side of the lake. To help me jump across the river and onto the greener side. But you let me sink. You let me drown. What can I do now? I don't know how to swim.
Technology! Yes you Technology. I want to sore! I want to be an eagle in the wind, free and brave. I want to travel to worlds where my troubles cant hurt me. But internet.. You are not helping. You make my code glitch. Now I cant watch my show cuz you are so slow it lags. Phone.. I am so sorry but you're battery sucks. So I barely have enough power to move anywhere anymore. Can't message people hardly ever. Laptop.. You are amazing and I love you except the random times you decide you cant play a certain game or the way you also love to lag. And P.S. Please stop restarting on me when I forget to click 'remind me later'.
I have been told things like 'let's get married in the future' or 'I love you, and always will' but once I get my hopes up then they dump me. Its like 'smash or pass' but 'smash several times AND pass'. But it hurts when guys do that and not many realize it. But how am I supposed to choose? I have been too choosey in the past and lost the one I actually and truthfully loved for 7 years. But not making the right choices could lead me to deep heart break and maybe even never ever wanting a relationship in my life. What if? What if I turn out old and never love anyone ever again? What if I decide to be mean and live with my family until I am in my 60s and die? What if because of my hate for love I never want kids, so i never even adopt. and I never get a job or money? What if because I could never have a child to love I decided to hate pets too? ToT
I tried. I tried to take time out of my day to be with someone. Or to get to know and develop feelings for someone. I try to help people and get them away from things i know they shouldn't be around but they never listen. They never listen when i cry out for them. They hear me, but they don't want to hear me. THEY HEAR ME, but they turn away and chase the wrong path. And now here I am. Slowly falling apart. Slowly drifting off into the darkness once more. But will they come back? Possibly with a flashlight? Something to shine the way down the new and right path. The path where I am lost. I am sorry. But no. I am here to stay. I will wait but i know you will never come. How do I know this? Because they never do....
Usually my love life goes like this: I met you, and we got to know each other. I felt amazing when I was talking to you. Like I was dancing in the rain. You asked me out and I said yes. I thought things were going to be better but I was obviously wrong. I feel weird. You never message first. You only say a few things then stop. If I didn't message you first, you probably wouldn't message for days. Did you lose interest? Or were you just playing me? Either way I am no longer dancing in the rain. Now I am sitting in a puddle. Cold and wet. When with I be able to dry off and relax?
I honestly feel like I am constantly not good enough, or not "sad enough." Every way I turn I keep getting one upped. And I just commented somewhere that I was too tired and too upset to deal with peoples shit right now and that I am having a hard time with things and 2 seconds later someone else is like "Okay! I got my dead mom home now I just have to take care of the sad depressing stuff like a funeral!" Tbuh I am paraphrasing. BUT THAT IS PRACTICALLY THE SUM OF WHAT SHE SAID!! I mean I feel bad for her cuz she just lost her mom but at the same time I JUST DON'T CARE. I don't want to be rude or come off as rude but dude? I just said I wasn't going to deal with shit right now and you go off and one up me? I am not upset know? And ooph.. I also hate when you tell someone you hate doing something or that you don't want to do something and they keep on trying cuz they don't care about what i just said... LIKE REALLY DUDE? I KNOW YOU AIN'T DEF!! And then people promising they would call you and don't? That also hurts.
Imma crawl back to my corner and cry that dark ocean of tears again.....
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