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Crystal Summer
by on December 8, 2017
now that the subject of the MS has been put up, things are going to get deeper....darker, i will not go into detail as i do not wish to trigger anyone or get intro trouble for describing or naming certain situations, so if you wish to know more on the blank spaces feel free to ask me in private, that is all i can offer.
so..yeah about not having been happy anymore since i was a six year old, simply put that was when my life slowly went downhill until it changed into a complete hell, some may say its overreacting calling it that, but i say try being in my shoes and then come back saying the same without any mental scars yourself, that is a bet you will lose i can promise.
it started with my health issues, i was having a lot of pain sometimes or got sick very easy and when i was sick it was pretty serious thanks to my now apparently low immune system, as a kid i also had trouble walking and playing suddenly, causing me to have to choose between running and playing soccer or being able to ride my bike by the time i went to elementary, of course i had to choose the second one how else would i get to school.
by time in elementary school was good everything was okay though yeah sure not much friends because it was not really going well in playing along not being able to run around and such, though when i reached the age of 10 things went from bad to i said before i will not go into details, this lasted till i was about 16, i finally dealt with things my way and not in a good way, i started eating less i did not trust anyone anymore and school had become a daily hell to a point i did not even wanted to wake up anymore, besides my parents people mistook my cries for help as depression and thanks to the wonderful teachers (spot the sarcasm here?) i was put on anti-depressants for a whole year, i started to put on a mask again pretending to be happy just so they would stop the medication and it worked, though with much shame i admit i also tried to end things but was caught before i could do so, i never want to see my mother cry like that again.
school continued and i eventually build up some courage to confess my problems to my teacher...apparently that was a big mistake, my parents got told they were being to protective...either teachers had no brain or luck was not on my side....i decided to shut up from that point on, i got more aggressive towards the reason of me pain the one that caused it, resulting in breaking a friendship my parents had for longer then they had me, i felt guilty about that and started to speak less and even shunned any kind of outside contact, when i got to my last 4 years of education, things got worse while i thought it could not get worse, on my way to my Internship in the morning i was pulled off of the path in the end resulting with having my bag stolen and running home, again i am not filling in the blanks here.....
receiving no support or help from school, i filed charges and had to go on with my life, on my way to school a few days later i met up with my first boyfriend, someone i knew from my elementary school time, we hit it off and things went well for about 6 months, then he openly confessed to me that he was simply using me as an in between because he had a fight with his ex, and things were okay now again, yeah add that to the complete loss of trust and self esteem i already had from past years, that hit in like a bomb, and the tough wall i had build up slowly began to crack, i had to stop school unable to finish my full education and end up with a complete burn out and starting depression.
two years later, i met someone new, someone who did not judge a book by its cover, he was a complete angel and we came to a point we even talked about marriage and living together, then came the moment i was diagnosed with MS....the last blow i could deal with, that day everything collapsed around me, i was diagnosed, and called him to come over to talk...i was called back later that evening...telling me he could not handle this and broke up with me over the phone, broken enough already i fully collapsed and so did that wall i had build around me, then the final low blow came, a family not blood related aunt came by having heard about the diagnose too from us her words...''welcome to the club....oh i also need to tell something'' and she put out on the table that her husband my mothers brother had cancer....this all in one day...not even a full day...i felt like i had ended up in hell and he only ones who cared about me were my parents and my friends, i was proven wrong again in the following months, my parents stayed with me they still do....but friends started to abandon me for no reason, currently i have about a hand full left and they mean the world to me, they are my true family along with my parents.
three years after this, i met someone while i was still emotionally recovering, i will not go deeper into this, all i can say what he did nobody deserves to go through....thats all ill say, i reached my limit from it all last year in July after some health issues, i was having thoughts that shook me to the core i wanted all of it to end no matter what it would do to those who loved me, and i pulled the alarm...i gave a final try pulling the alarm to someone that i thought could not help me at all, my neurologist...i told him about my thoughts and feelings and he put up an emergency meeting with a group for mental support, my depression had reached its peek and i was in the red zone, i had a interview with them and it went far enough and deep enough that it lasted four full ours for me to throw it all out, from the age of 6 to the age i had then 28, all those years i had bottled up inside me all that pain and everything that had happened, my parents could be there with me but could not last longer then 10 minutes of hearing what had happened before they broke out in tears, i was send through to therapy and after once more telling all the events, it turned out i had not only a very deep depression but added to the list was also a case of PTSS, i received trauma therapy for that, and that has lasted until September this year.
now....since the therapy has ended, i am free again, i am happy again....and it scares me, i have not felt this in so many years that it actually scares me, my body and mind are recovering from an amount of stress that i shiver, sometimes feel chilly as if the door is wide open as if i just have quit using a highly addictive drug called stress...and now with all the chaos out of my mind i can think again, i am slowly getting used to this but i still have a long road to go to get fully used to this, ill be going on vacation from December 11th till 15th because a good friend of ours told us we need it he has arranged everything including dinner for that entire week, i am still somewhat numb from the surprise and it brings me to tears thinking of it really, i have my life back i can smile again without putting on a mask, i am going to continue fighting every bump in the road i get, cause i sure as hell know that things can not get worse then it already has been for me, painful yes but not worse...i am starting a new chapter in life and its going to be a happy one...