"Are you dead?"

alrighty, first off, I'm aware nobody here actually asked that, but we all know what people tend to theorize what happens when people are offline for an extended period of time. obviously, no, I'm not dead. sorry guys, I'm still alive, no death bets won today. seeing as I do have at least one or two friends here, I suppose an explanation for my absence is warranted. just a warning in advance, parts of this blog are going to get pretty heavy. that's my trigger warning, consider yourself warned. there's a certain someone who I had a commission for, for quite a while, and I felt like me being constantly online would've made it look like I was goofing off. I wanted to send the signal that yes, I was keeping the commission fresh on my mind. and the one who commissioned me, you know who you are, I'll have you know that I didn't forget about you commission for a second, so I'm glad to have finished it and am eager to find out if you like the final product. this, however, is not the big part of why I've been offline for so long. for the past two years, my dad's addiction to alcohol has accelerated more and more, and it got to the point where my mom would constantly come home to a drunk husband. he was increasingly abrasive and violent as this progressed. one night, while I was at my grandparents' house, my mom left home. she had to get out, and she went to stay with some friends in Texas. luckily, her job allowed her to work remotely, so she was still able to make a paycheck. at first, I had been wanting to go back home once my mom got back. she actually came back home after two weeks but explained to me that it wouldn't be safe for me. that was after my big realization though. through the course of the first two weeks that my mom was out, I was repeatedly expressing my gratitude for the amenities my grandparents provided to me, and they were repeatedly reminding me that it's really nothing. I began to realize that the way I had been treated, what had been allowed at my parents' house was very much not normal, and very much not positive. by the one month mark, the final realization hit me: I've been abused for my entire life. my dad has conditioned me to hold my feelings in and absorb his ranting. whenever I express negative feelings, he berates me and uses it as ammunition later on. any shortcoming I have, he verbally amplifies in order to bring me lower. I am not my dad's kid, I was his plaything; his punching bag. to him, my problems don't matter, and any shortcomings of his I point out, he tries to reason around, to convince me that he's doing the right thing. during my time here at my grandparents' house, I've resolved to never live with that man again. my grandparents appreciate my resolution to leave my parents, but the goal seemed rather short lived once I admitted to not knowing how to get hired at a company. they taught me the basics, and I'm now job hunting. I currently have an interview at GameStop scheduled for tomorrow, and a job offer from Arby's, though I really don't want a swing shift at a fast food restaurant. once I get a job, I'll be working towards getting out on my own, and getting my life started. my transition is a big goal. I really need to transition, but I'm going to have to move out before that happens. anyway, there's been a lot of stress lately, but I'm trying to push through. wish me luck~!