Spackle's OC Rating Thread

October 17, 2019

#60

Hello gentlemen and gentlemen that pretend to be ladies. I’m adding another entry into CA’s most popular OC rating thread today out of sheer kindness of my heart. I mean, not really - I’ve actually been just doing more productive things than this shit and I couldn’t be arsed to rip apart your shitty OCs.

NAME

Heart Container

SEX

Female

SPECIES

Alicorn

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

BODY COLOUR

Blue

MANE COLOUR

Dark Red/Light Red

Imagine having hair that’s both red and red.

EYE COLOUR

Blue/Red

Your picture tells me your eyes are fucking purple, but I’m willing to let it slide given that Blue/Red make purple anyways. Also if you try and pull that Heterochromia bullshit I will literally open palm smack a squirrel.

Mixing primary colours is a fucking no-no. Pick one, or none. Two or more just makes me want to kill myself. Though I want to give you props for having your primaries be a different colour on the tip, I want to shank you as well for having a unicorn horn and wings exist on the same corpus. The term mutually exclusive is in play here, and your Alicorn OC is an affront to the natural order. Pick a team, one or the other.

FOALHOOD

Heart's childhood was pretty average. She was born into a working class family as a pegasus. Her parents owned a counseling business, in which they helped other ponies with any types of issues. Heart grew to like the type of job her parents were doing and pursued in their foot steps. Because her family didn't have a lot of money, she didn't go to any fancy private schools or anything, but she did make new friends along the way and enemies too. Her childhood was pretty good overall. She got her cutiemark after helping one friend of hers with a relationship issue, which is then when she realized that her talent was to help ponies with relationships and spread love.

This paragraph is an absolutely fantastic example of giving only examples of things that people don’t give a shit about. I don’t give a shit about whether she liked the job of her parents, and that she decided to do something similar. I want to know WHY. I want to know WHY she made the friends and enemies that she did. What part of her personality encouraged her to be friends with person A vs person B? I want to know what her motivations were to help her friend out of her relationship issues, I want to know what kind of life experience she drew to give the comfort and support that she did.

she realized that her talent was to help ponies with relationships and spread love.

I want to know what about counselling spreads love because the only counsellors I have gone to see have told me that my ‘boyfriend’ is filing a restraining order and my parole officer telling me that I missed my court date.

Heart's childhood was pretty average.

I swear to fucking god I hope you all learn not to make stupid pointless general statements like this

That is boring! Super boring. Obnoxiously boring. Do you want to waste people’s time with something boring and pointless? I think not. Put some fucking effort into your OCs.

CUTIE MARK

A blue heart

Giving me the OC critic version of blue balls.

CUTIE MARK STORY

One time, a friend of hers was having an issue with her relationship. Her friend was considering breaking up with her coltfriend, as she was feeling like the love for him had faded away. Heart Container spent a lot of time working with her friend, giving her advice on many different things she could try to light up the flame again. Eventually, after many sessions of work and advice, she achieved the goal of saving the relationship. At that point her curiemark appeared right in front of her friend.

So lets first identify that she helped a single friend not dump her SO for such a bullshit reason and apparently that’s life defining. Lets then identify that this character’s talent supposedly is giving advice but it’s never specified that it’s any GOOD. Lets finally identify that this character is literally just giving advice and trying to remote-seduce this friend and apparently that’s enough to be considered good enough to become a personal counselor.

Counselors are in one of two baskets, ones that advise clinically, and ones that advise based on life experience either second hand or first hand. Above all the former is preferred well beyond any kook that has achieved not dying for long periods of time. Nothing in this characters description tells me that they have developed any proficiency whatsoever in the practice of social work, nor have any goals related to the ACTUAL goal of social work. Which by the way, is not spreading happiness. Social workers are the lowest form of clinical psychological assistance and are usually only good for misleading their clients based on whatever flavour of holier than thou’ness is popular in that time. A new self help book comes out and suddenly every single social worker from Santa Barbara to Miami wants to jerk off to it. That’ll be $75 come back next week for your session that is simultaneously too short, and a gigantic hassle because you end up spending double the session time just travelling to that shit.

But I digress.

PERSONALITY

She is loving, caring, stern, extrovert

Great personality. You’re so unique and interesting that I feel like taking time out of my day to help you figure out ways to improve your character.

LIKES

Flowers, walks, music, children, stallions, mares, candy, apples, games, parties, sleepovers, personal space, reading, quiet places, sleep

If I wanted a list I’d go subscribe to watchmojo.com (Today’s post sponsor BTW)

Don’t just list of a bunch of random stuff that anyone could like in any combination for no reason whatsoever. Let your likes be an opportunity to show off your character and WHY they like these certain things and why it’s impactful to the character.

DISLIKES

Rudeness or disrespect, spiders, sour candy, cheaters

Yay more random nouns. At least this gives me the opportunity to day dream about what kind of character this would be if you actually explained why these things are on this goddamn list.

SKILLS

Given that this is blank, your character is going to be terrible at anything that they do, and I feel bad for anyone who happens to be their patient.

DETAILED HISTORY

Unfortunately, I do not have Heart's detailed story, as I lost it with the Squares and was unable to retrieve it from Wayback Machine. I can't find my profile

I appreciate you putting in the effort to rewrite your history from memory so that I won’t waste my time typing up a post for your character that I know nothing about but still hate unconditionally.

Physical Attributes: 2

Psychological Attributes: 1

Historical Attributes: 1

Unity: 1

No extra points.

Total: 5

Verdict: Requires immediate incineration

TLDR: A character with the intelligence level of /r/holdmybeer finds their passion for not having enough information to fill in a 17 question form.