Canterlot Avenue requires Javascript to run properly. Make sure to enable it in your browser settings.
Viewing Single Post
Starlit Spackle
#65
NAME
Green Leaf
Fucking immigrants.
SEX
Male
SPECIES
Pony - Earth
BODY COLOUR
Bright Green
MANE COLOUR
Bright Yellow
EYE COLOUR
Bright Red
You saying “bright” over and over and over again tells me you have no fucking clue how colours work.
FOALHOOD
Born to a family of average wealth in Ponyville, Green Leaf was the first of his siblings to be born. He wasn't too smart in most subjects at school, but ask him a biology question or anything to do with nature and he'd be on it like a foal to a candy shop. Growing up in Ponyville was peaceful enough, and Green Leaf was content with his early years as his parents adored him. But, at five years old, his twin siblings were born, a brother and a sister. His brother, Quiet Leap, and his sister, Swirly Cream, were now the stars in his parent's eyes, for a year or so he despised his siblings for taking away his parent's attention. But eventually, he realized that it was only natural for his parents to give his siblings more attention as they were younger. Soon after he accepted that, he began to look for friends, and found some. His best friend was a male unicorn filly named Tasty Fruit. The two did everything together, but then Tasty Fruit moved to Canterlot, leaving Green Leaf all alone. But by then, Green Leaf was okay with things changing in his life. And the one of his biggest changes of all happened a couple days after Tasty Fruit left.
.
But eventually, he realized that it was only natural for his parents to give his siblings more attention as they were younger.
This is excellent awareness and introspection, and thus should be as far away from your character as possible. If you give them an easy out over a very interesting character dynamic then all you’re doing is making your character boring as fuck.
His best friend was a male unicorn filly named Tasty Fruit.
Supposedly he’s your best friend and you guys did everything together, but no specifics are worth mentioning? There’s nothing about this other character that’s worth your time to put on paper beyond the fact that they existed? C’mon. Be more creative than that. When you mention something in your foalhood, it should have some impact on your character one way or another. It’s the same rule in cinema - if you show something, it better be fucking relevant to what’s in the movie.
Right now I give less of a shit about Tasty Fruit than I did before I knew he existed.
Your foalhood is boring and by the numbers, and there’s nothing interesting that alludes to your future beyond “Biology yo”. Expand on that.
CUTIE MARK
" alt="" class="parsed_image" /
Four green leaves behind a white medkit with a red cross on it.
This better not be a symbol for medical marijuana.
CUTIE MARK STORY
All through his foalhood Green Leaf loved to take walks, just enjoying the scenery. He loved biology too, studying the anatomy of not only ponies, but other creatures too. It was a cool day in the summer. Green Leaf was 10 years old, he was taking a walk near the Everfree when he heard a scream from inside the forest. He noticed nobody else was around, so he did what his parents always told him not to do. He entered the forest to find somepony he wasn't expecting at all. Tasty Fruit. The first thing he noticed was Tasty Fruit's hind leg bleeding profusely. The second thing he noticed was that Tasty Fruit was unconscious. So Green Leaf laid down his medkit, which he carries everywhere (just in case), and patched up Tasty Fruit's leg. Shortly after, Tasty Fruit woke up and they galloped out of the forest. Once outside, Tasty Fruit told Green Leaf that he actually came to Ponyville looking for him, but was attacked and dragged into the forest by his hind leg by Timberwolves. For some reason they stopped following attacking him once he fainted. And the moment Tasty Fruit thanked Green Leaf, Green Leaf's Cutie Mark appeared.
.
The second thing he noticed was that Tasty Fruit was unconscious.
People don’t go unconscious for no fucking reason. In this case he either had major blood loss (dead) or a major concussion (close to dead, with permanent brain damage).
So Green Leaf laid down his medkit, which he carries everywhere (just in case)
Well isn’t that fucking convenient.
Shortly after, Tasty Fruit woke up and they galloped out of the forest.
He isn’t galloping anywhere with that leg. Be mindful of your continuity otherwise you look like a spaz who hasn’t taken his adderall.
For some reason they stopped following attacking him once he fainted.
Well isn’t that fucking convenient.
And the moment Tasty Fruit thanked Green Leaf, Green Leaf's Cutie Mark appeared.
Imagine being such a weak character that the highlight of your life is to apply (likely improperly) first aid techniques that can be learned in less than an hour. Cutie marks appearing are supposed to be a realization, not a reinforcement of already present habits. He already had a medkit available (apparently) with the intention of using it. Having your cutie mark come from something that was *planned* is weak as fuck and not compelling.
Not to mention that the entire scenario is shallow and pathetic, and obviously hand crafted with the sole purpose of exposing your character to an opportunity to use his skills. It’s basic and boring, and nobody wants to read it except you.
PERSONALITY
Kind and caring, always wanting to help other ponies and creatures. Quick to make a joke in times of need, and nerds out on things he likes.
Oh look, a personality that’s almost identical to almost every single other character in the world.
KIND? How rare.
CARING? Who does that anymore!
Nerds out on things he likes? No! You can’t be serious. Nobody EVER holds enthusiasm for something that they are interested in!
Fuck do something original for once in your life that isn’t just looking in the mirror and trying to convince yourself that you’re special. Fuck off.
LIKES
Fruit, Biology, Nature, Helping Others, Any Kind Of Humor
And why the fuck does he like any of these things?
Also any kind of humour? For one, I highly doubt that, and two - if you’re not going to give any justification for why he likes humour then don’t put it in there in the first place.
DISLIKES
Bullies and Ice Cream
Oh no. Look guys! He hates *bullies*!
Not only do we get absolutely no justification for why he dislikes bullies, but he dislikes something that is so unbelievably broad and applicable to literally everyone on the entire planet that it’s useless to specify.
I’ll give you a hint - everyone’s been a bully at some point. Even you. Definitely me. Everyone on the planet has been mean or rude to someone. There are no exceptions. This is why nobody will get rid of bullying, because the thing that creates bullies is context, circumstance, and opportunity. Because as long as there’s retards on this planet, people will be biologically driven to tell them to fuck off. Destroy the weak unless they become stronger. It’s one of the ways our species survives. So don’t give me this bullshit.
SKILLS
Good at healing creatures in need. Courageous
The idea of “Healing” is just as broad and non-applicable as the idea of calling being “courageous” a skill. It’s not specific enough to make me give a shit about what you’re doing. It’s actually so non-specific that it doesn’t even really give your character any depth to begin with since it’s so abstract.
What a useless specification.
DETAILED HISTORY
After he got his cutie mark, Green Leaf started working in the medical field at Ponyville and eventually developed a crush on somepony that he keeps private to this day. Still living in Ponyville alongside his best friend Tasty Fruit, he is happy doing what he does. Meanwhile his brother and sister both serve in the Royal Guard in Canterlot and his parents retired to a small Equestrian town called Duskville. To this day, he was the youngest pony to get a PhD in Biology at age 17.
This is stupid and useless.
First of all, way too short. It says DETAILED history for a fucking reason. If you believe that a couple of sentences is enough to get by being detailed then I have no fucking clue how your character can do anything intelligent.
Imagine your character being so shallow and uninspired while simultaneously being obnoxiously overpowered for the context that immediately following getting their cutie mark (something that is granted when they are a *child* mind you), they start working in the medical field. It is obnoxious and completely unbelievable, and sabotages any remote chance of anyone actually enjoying this character from a relatability or even identifiability standpoint.
And again, if you’re going to mention something don’t give me blue balls by not giving me specifics, details, or even worse saying something like “That he keeps private to this day”. This isn’t a fucking dating profile, this is a goddamn character sheet. If you’re not going to give me all the details, you’re wasting my time. I don’t give a shit about your characters stupid fascination about keeping a childhood crush secret, I need to know about it because it’s obviously important to your character’s motivation and characterization, right? Otherwise you wouldn’t be putting it in the character sheet, right?
What’s even more egregious is your inclusion of the detail that your character got a PhD in Biology at 17. Which at this point I find so unbelievably hilarious that the only thing that you could think of to make your character unique and interesting is to just slap a degree on him like he’s a disobedient hound and call it a fucking day.
Where’s the previous 10ish years of schooling that he had to go to just to get into a PhD program? Where’s the explanation or at least storyline of the research that he was doing, and the field that he was working on his road to gaining this degree?
Also you do realise that a PhD in Biology is a research/academic degree and is not a technical degree like an MD-PhD.
Your character didn’t earn his PhD, and so nobody will give a shit about it. Nobody cares for a character that just gets what you think they should get and doesn’t do fuck all to earn it.
Physical Attributes: 2
Psychological Attributes: 1
Historical Attributes: 1
Unity: 1
No extra points.
Total: 5
Verdict: Requires immediate incineration
The only reason why I’m giving you an extra point in Physcial attributes is because I have no empirical evidence that your definition of “bright” isn’t fucking atrocious and will turn me into the nazi from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” and melt away my face.
Get some motivation to make something that is worth something more than a fucking participation score.
TLDR: Imagine writing a character about your own life’s hopes and dreams but not have the presence of mind to plan out how your character’s going to get it. Might tell you how likely you are to actually accomplish your goals yourself if you don’t smarten the fuck up.