Spackle's OC Rating Thread

Starlit Spackle

February 8, 2018

#45

NAME

Carnelian Clout

GENDER

Female

SPECIES

Pony - Crystal

MANE COLOUR

Scarlet/Crimson

EYE COLOUR

Blue

Yellow body, red hair seems to be in these days. Also it’s not Scarlet/Crimson, it’s Vermillion and fucking red. If you’re not going to get the colour names right - at least use the hex codes so that the rest of the world actually understands your ghetto Crystal Pony vernacular.

Otherwise, good drawing.

FOALHOOD

OH BOY THIS IS A DOOSY FUCKING 1 PAGE OF BACKSTORY HERE WE GO BOYS AND… well lets be honest, there are no girls here. This is the internet after all.

Carnelian was born to the affluent Koroundios, an aristocratic family native to the Crystal Empire prior to King Sombra taking over. Unfortunately, for her, her parents' marriage wasn't a happy one. Even in those days, the Crystal Empire had a small population, and the number of aristocrats was even smaller. However, when no batchelors or batchelorettes were available, the last thing that ponies expected was a consanguineous marriage. Such a thing would be horrifying! Unfortunately for Feldspar Focus and Olivine Oligarch, who were first cousins and the only two heirs to the Koroundio name, this abomination became reality.

Carnelian Clout was born several years later, an unwanted child to a mother and father who vented all their frustration and guilt onto her. It was a blessing that she was born as beautiful and intelligent as she was, but that gave her no reprieve when her father or mother sought someone to blame for their latest headache.

However, the young filly didn't have to share this burden alone. When she was three, she was joined by a brother, Nepheline Necessity. He wasn't as lucky as her, and his parents' consanguinity manifested a rare recessive blood disorder. In spite of his sickliness, the two of them bonded over having to face the same monsters. Though her parents cared even less for Nepheline, Carnelian gave him morsels she stole from the kitchens and willingly covered for him when things went sour.

However, his luck eventually ran out. A particularly vigorous infection took root in his lungs, and though she begged her parents to fetch a doctor, this request was denied. He was a parasite, unfit for the Koroundio name, and if he couldn't survive a simple illness, then it was for the best for there to be one less abomination in the world. Carnelian ran out anyway, but it was too late by the time she returned. She was 15, and he was 12, when her one and only friend, the one pony that made this horror of a life worth living, left her forever.

When the doctor left, her enraged father chased her down, until she was eventually able to lose him in the catacombs beneath the manor. The darkness surrounded her, smothering her. She had been afraid of the dark, but right now she feared her father more. Unsure of where to go or what to do, she collapsed and wept bitter tears, her heart shattered into a million pieces.

That was when she heard the whispers. She couldn't make out what they were saying, but she knew she had to follow them. Deeper into the catacombs she went, old busts and rusted suits of armor glinted in the dim light from the bioluminescent fungus on the walls. She turned a corner, and another, and there it was.

How long had it been sitting there? How long had it been waiting for her? Had it been waiting for her? The way it just sat there, it was as good of an invitation as any. Carnelian ran her finely manicured hoof across the cover. It was rough, like sandpaper, but the simple act of dragging her hoof across it had marred the sheen of the enamel. The filly gripped the side, and opened it.

The world wasn't dark. No, she could feel her physical self still tied to reality, but it was as if she was...not seeing, not hearing, but feeling, something. She reached out a querulous astral hoof, searching for something. Was there anything here? Was there anypony out there?

Suddenly, it hit her like carriage. No, harder, like she was in a river and a war galley had rammed her at top speed. She stumbled backwards, her head reeling as she tried to make sense of it all. Before losing her connection, she had felt something, something powerful, something she couldn't understand. She wanted to understand. She wouldn't let this secret elude her.

She returned to the book, and returned to the suspension. This time she was ready, and braced herself as she touched the mind of a god. She stared into it, regarding it with wonder, and it stared into her, regarding her with amusement. It knew who she was, what she was, and where she was. It could see her, hear her, smell her, but It couldn't touch her. It was trapped in a reality of Its own making.

How long had It lived like this? It had always lived, It lives, and It will live; It lives, It dies, It is born. What was Its name? What use are names to describe the indescribable? Is It a colt or a filly? What is gender to a god?

Right, her questions were silly. She was silly. A silly filly. However, she was an interesting filly. A promising filly. Good fillies always got rewards, and though she didn't deserve anything, It knew what she wanted. No, It couldn't bring Nepheline back, but It could avenge his memory.

This book contained every one of Carnelian's prayers, and its author was the angel that would administer them. No longer was she the tortured little filly, constantly skittering like a mouse whenever her parents were out and about. No longer was she a prisoner in her own house. No longer was she a horrible abomination of nature.

She was Carnelian Clout, and she was taking back her destiny.

First of all

Koroundios

Fuck that name. It took me like 7 tries and I still can’t say it properly.

Unfortunately, for her, her parents' marriage wasn't a happy one.

In the US approximately 40-50% of marriages end in divorce, so WELCOME TO THE FUCKING CLUB.

the last thing that ponies expected was a consanguineous marriage. Such a thing would be horrifying!

Ok, so Iceland has an issue similar to this. Being that it’s a tiny island out in the middle of nowhere that’s literally the first choice for film-makers who want a set that doesn’t look like it exists on Earth - nobody but masochists and video-game nerds want to live there. The population right now is about 350k people, among which probably 20k are their goats that they just add onto the population so that they don’t feel so lonely.

They have an app on their phones similar to Tinder that allows them to check if they are related to someone they’re dating. However, this is mostly just because the societal standards of other places with more people spill over. Scientifically speaking, there’s no significant increased risk of genetic issues arising in offspring to two people who are second cousins. Even first cousins, depending on their family’s genetic history, will not have too much issue. A rule of thumb is that the risk of defect in children doubles for first-cousin relations. The default rate with no family history of genetic defects is 4%, so it’s not a whole lot of an issue.

So basically fuck your Crystal Ponies, they should know better. They’ve had a population smaller than what it is now, and they’ve had to deal with this problem already. They wouldn’t have made the idea taboo because they know it may be necessary to procreate with relatives… just not immediate or secondary. They also would have developed safeguards, tests, and councilling to partners who are forced to enter into this kind of union.

Feldspar Focus

This is giving me a lot of hippie new age vibes, and I don’t like it at all.

but that gave her no reprieve when her father or mother sought someone to blame for their latest headache.

If you end up wanting to make your parents Narcissists, your character would be the narcissist parent’s Scapegoat Child.

He wasn't as lucky as her, and his parents' consanguinity manifested a rare recessive blood disorder.

Gettin all Alexei up in this bitch. Also I need everyone to appreciate modern medicine more, because had the parents sought the counsel of a trained family planner - they would have realized offspring’s a bad idea for them in particular, and saved me the trouble of having to review 2 fucking pages of fucking backstory fuck.

This is called Child Neglect Resulting in Death and is punishable for up to 5 years in Canada (if the child is older than 12 but younger than 16), or up to 15 years in many states in the US. It could also be tried as first degree murder. I find it really hard to congratulate you for fuelling your victim complex by painting your parents as murderers, as you’ve literally taken every possible opportunity to sabotage your character’s ability to not kill herself. Which I’m honestly not against, because this has been nothing but a bore since the first paragraph. This is a good example of over-villainization which has stolen your character’s relatability.

That was when she heard the whispers.

I’ll take trauma induced psychosis for 200, Alex.

She stumbled backwards, her head reeling as she tried to make sense of it all. Before losing her connection, she had felt something, something powerful, something she couldn't understand. She wanted to understand.

See, I can’t take this seriously because the only thing I see here is that stupid bitch of a villain from the shit Indiana movie asking the alien to show her ‘everything’. What’s lacking here is the spontaneous combustion to save me from this character.

This book contained every one of Carnelian's prayers, and its author was the angel that would administer them.

Religious symbolism? Check. Miraculous power under the control of a child. Check. Setting for unimaginative revenge plot established. Proceed with shit power fantasy at ¼ impulse power. What is this, Ready Player One? That book was shit, and the only redeeming part of the movie is going to be the single scene where the Iron Giant is kicking ass.

She was Carnelian Clout, and she was taking back her destiny.

Can you take back your backstory instead? I have enough victim complex from Tumblr, I don’t need it here too.

CUTIE MARK

Sparkling Diamond

Good simple cutie mark. Me likes.

CUTIE MARK STORY

Don't let the beauty of the diamond deceive you. Carnelian had been rough housing with some of her servants' children when she slipped into a display, several ivory carvings falling to the floor and shattering. Her mother emerged from a nearby room, enraged, and it was with some quick thinking that Carnelian was able to deflect Olivine's anger from her to one of the other foals. Thankfully, her mother was gone when her flank lit up and manifested a sparkling blue diamond. She never told her parents how or why she got it, and they never cared enough to ask.

Shit cutie mark story. Me don’t likes. Seriously WTF? She got her fucking cutie mark from DEFLECTING BLAME TO SOMEONE ELSE? AHAHAHAHAAAHAHA

Fuck if there’s anyone who missed the central theme of MLP’s cutie marks, I think you’ve taken the cake.

Now, here’s the thing. MLP cutie marks are a representation of a character’s central personality trait. What they hold most dear. Ie. Pinkie Pie = laughter, because what she holds most dear is that her friends are always happy. Twilight Spackle is Magic because she values knowledge and her entire childhood was consumed with the pursuit of such. Your cutie mark is a diamond, which would represent wealth, beauty, compressed carbon, whateverthefuck. It is not representative of a personal inability to take blame. IMHO the term ‘Special Talent’ is extremely misleading, as talent is simply opportunity + practice. A person who plays piano for 6 hours a day or has high class instruction is going to naturally get better, giving the illusion of talent. A single act cannot and should not ever represent a character. These are what we call 1 dimensional characters.

There is also nothing in your backstory that makes it clear to the reader that your character’s personality hinges on their skill at deflecting blame. You just told us you have shit parents and shit writing skill, not anything related to what your cutie mark’s about. It just came out of nowhere.

Shit.

PERSONALITY

Highly intelligent, sociopathic tendencies, shameless, hedonistic

Hurr hurr ima smart sociopath look at me, hurr hurr. Fuck. This is terrible. There’s no such thing as sociopathic tendencies. Everyone has times where they’re sociopathic, or psychotic, or whatever. Life isn’t a fucking label-factory. Say it as it is: You are selfish, and care little for the suffering/fates of others. Don’t use the clinical term if you’re not going to be clinical.

LIKES

Parties, debate, poetry, herself

Why poetry? Why debate? This isn’t mentioned anywhere else.

DISLIKES

Liberals, anarchists, betrayal

These are absolute shit dislikes. What part of liberals do you hate? What part of anarchists do you hate? Right now your dislikes are blind hate. Blind hate is not compelling in a character, it’s eye-roll inducing. You don’t hate someone or something simply for it existing - you hate it because you disagree with some part of it. You don’t hate a race just for existing - that’s called racism. If you hate a particular part of the race, then you’re starting to form logical arguments. Whether your argument is logical in the end, completely depends on the situation.

SKILLS

Silver tongue, beautiful face, sharp mind, near-limitless wealth, enough contacts to fill several pocketbooks

No evidence of the silver tongue, I call bullshit. I’m going to be honest, at this point I don’t really give a fuck about this character.

DETAILED HISTORY

It took several years before Carnelian had been able to ascertain complete control over House Koroundio's assets, but when she was secure in her wealth and power, she embarked on a grand honeymoon of hedonism the likes of which she was never able to experience under her oppressive parents. It wasn't for many more years before she had grown bored and settled down to search for a husband.

She found a recent widower in Bold Aventurine, a macho, if thick-headed, stallion who would suit her purposes well. Her patron didn't care which stallion she picked, all It wanted was a vessel into which It could project a splinter of Its power. She would still be entrusted with raising this foal, but she had Its guarantee that it would be the Harbinger that would hail the end of Its eons-long imprisonment.

Two years later, Proud Ametrine was born. Upon holding her newborn foal in her arms, she couldn't help but feel elated with the knowledge that this child would grow up to fulfill a greater destiny. She would raise Ametrine well, and teach her to master the gifts bestowed upon her by their mutual fiendish patron. Great cruelties would be inflicted upon her, but unlike her parents, who did it out of malice, Carnelian's tortures would be lessons. Her daughter would become hardened, cold, unfeeling, and gain the strength of will that she found herself in possession of, and together, they would rule the Empire as Mother and Daughter, satraps of a world ruled by the otherworldly patron. First, however, she needed to deal with Aventurine...

As grandiose as these dreams were, they were shattered by the unforeseen event that was King Sombra's tyranny. Even though she and the other aristocracy were allowed a privileged status in Sombra's court, their assets were seized by the new king. Carnelian was barely able to hide her grimoire before she surrendered herself.

Powerless and stripped of titles, her heart suddenly quailed at finding herself back in the same position she had escaped thirty years ago. The mare became desperate, and seeking to gain Sombra's trust and steal his throne out from under his corpse, she attempted to seduce him. She didn't expect him to see through her, but not only did he do that, he never allowed her to forget this disgusting display by forcing her to wear a leash and collar.

Things became even worse when Ametrine, seeking to avenge her mother's disgrace, assaulted Sombra. However, her training was nowhere near complete, and she was no match for him. As punishment, rather than a painless death, he sentenced Ametrine to work down in the mines, hoping for a slow, painful death from overwork.

For over a decade, Carnelian languished under Sombra's rule, never hearing word of her daughter nor any possibility that things might be getting better. She had nearly given up all hope when the sisters arrived and defeated Sombra. It was another millennia, frozen in stasis, before she would see true freedom once more.

With the Empire restored, she searched out her daughter. Her assets could be reacquired tomorrow, she needed to find her daughter. However, she searched high and low, but could find her nowhere. She refused to give up the search so soon. It would be another year, after she had reestablished her empire and then some, making contacts with several Equestrian nobles and business owners, that the private investigators she hired found her. There was just one caveat, they reported.

She didn't want to come home. During the decade that she had spent working in the mines, she had spoken to several of the ponies, made friends among the commoners, and the arduous work and suffering she experienced were enough to break her programming. She refused to be her mother's attack dog, her tool for domination. She would be her own mare, and she would live the life that she wanted to live.

Carnelian admired this sentiment, but ultimately found it immature and childish, the product of a mind that had never known true freedom before and had no what to do with it. It was only a matter of time before she became disillusioned, and when that day came, her mother would be there waiting for her, ready to bring her back into the fold and show her the destiny she set out for both of them.

Two years later, Proud Ametrine was born. Upon holding her newborn foal in her arms, she couldn't help but feel elated with the knowledge that this child would grow up to fulfill a greater destiny.

I can’t pin down exactly why this is so offensive to the character. She’s painted as a selfish hedonist, however her tone changes at the whim of this god. What does she get out of this? She does not gain pleasure from the fates of others - as you said, she has sociopathic tendencies.

stallion who would suit her purposes well.

One sin removed for femdom

She would raise Ametrine well

Good. Finally the character is growing beyond the atrocities of her parents and is able to reclaim a somewhat reasonable -

Great cruelties would be inflicted upon her

This entire character really is just an outlet for your torture fetish, isn’t it?

The mare became desperate, and seeking to gain Sombra's trust and steal his throne out from under his corpse, she attempted to seduce him.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S FUNNIER, THE FACT THAT YOU’RE TREATING YOUR FEMALE CHARACTER LIKE A SEXUAL OBJECT OR…

She didn't expect him to see through her,

HOW FUCKING DUMB SHE IS FOR EVEN TRYING! HOLY FUCK.

Let me just remind you what primary character traits this character supposedly has:

Sharp wit, highly intelligent, silver tongue.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH

There was just one caveat, they reported.

Just because you made a complex sentence, does not mean that your second clause can be a sentence fragment. Complete the thought. They reported what? Are they reporting the caveat? If so - there is no reason for this sentence to be inverted.

During the decade that she had spent working in the mines, she had spoken to several of the ponies, made friends among the commoners, and the arduous work and suffering she experienced were enough to break her programming.

And instantly I want this character to be the daughter instead of the mother.

the product of a mind that had never known true freedom before and had no what to do with it.

Ironic, as the mother was never able to truly become free from her parent’s own abuse.

Fuck this was horrible.

Physical Attributes: 4

Psychological Attributes: 1

Historical Attributes: 1

Unity: 1

No extra points. Honestly kind of tempted to straight up remove a point for having a relationship with a canon character. That shit’s no bueno.

Total: 7

Verdict: Requires immediate incineration.

TLDR; Someone’s torture porn power fantasy somehow got good art drawn for it. Is basically SAO in pony form, but somehow has even less redeeming qualities.

Tips of the day:

The Who What When and Where are worldbuilding. The Why is writing. Don’t focus on the setting, focus on the characters motivations.

My method for defining an action taken by a character is thus:

Action = Opportunity + Means + Motivation + Catalyst.

Action: What the character wants to take place.

The pony wants to go to the store to buy something.

Opportunity: The ability for a character to do the action, without being held back by other factors.

The store is within walking distance, and there are no barriers to entry.

Means: The items that are required to complete the action.

The pony has enough money to buy the item, and there are no other costs.

Motivation: What exists to make the character want to perform the action.

The pony is hungry and wants an ice cream sandwich.

Catalyst: An external factor that engages the pony to complete the action.

The pony’s child is also hungry.

IMHO the most important part is the catalyst. The catalyst is what gives importance to the action for something other than the character’s own will to do it. It is mandatory.

Example: Luke and Obi-Wan want to go to Alderaan.

Action: Go to Alderaan

Opportunity: His aunt and uncle are dead, his friends are gone.

Means: He can sell his speeder for passage, Obi-Wan can protect and guide him.

Motivation: He seeks adventure outside his moisture farm.

Catalyst: His blood ties to the Jedi. “I want to become a Jedi like my Father.”