Grief and Lost, Part 1: The Mother

I must admit, writing in a journal, expressing my thoughts feels rather.. foreign. I'm more for photographs when capturing moments to cherish them later. Maybe it's because writing requires me to actually reflect on my inner thoughts and feelings before expressing them? That, in of just itself, is something I've rarely been able to do. For as long as I can remember, I've always had to act calm and collected with a level head due to the expectations Father had for me. Even when Mother was lost to us, I never really had a chance to properly grieve. I only had the day of her passing, her funeral and maybe a few days after that before I had to suppress it all and.. well.. take charge. Her passing it us all hard, but it hit Arty harder than me, since those two were much closer than her and I ever were. Father seemed to always limit how much time I spent with her, intentional or not. Maybe he feared I would become soft, gentle and kind, like her, but lose the ability to become serious when it was called for? Sure, Mother knew when to become firm, but maybe her way of ruling wasn't what he expected from the heir of his title of King? I don't know and I never will.. Mother and Arty, though? They were so close. I may have been Arty's pillar when times were rough, but she was the beacon of light that helped to keep Arty from being consumed by dark times. But now she was gone and I had to pick up that role, as well, for Arty. We all know how well that went, though, but more on that later. For Father, however? I think her passing hit him the hardest. Before her passing, Father had always been firm and strict, but never completely unfair and irrational. After her passing, though? He was.. Well, he either shut himself away from everyone, and/or was quick to anger. The anger was usually directed at me, though... With how much of a recluse he became, and Arty going through his own grief, I had to step up to become.. well.. the one that ran things in Equestria. Well, not entirely, but for more of the day-to-day stuff. The council would have Father make the final decisions on the bigger items, since he was King still, even if his decisions were usually delivered to us via servants and letters. There were a few, rare times Father actually came to a meeting, albeit he was usually late by a few minutes. He would become angry with me for sitting in his place at the meetings, sometimes claiming that I was stealing political power that I didn't have yet. I know he didn't mean it, though. He was a stallion drowning in grief and no matter how much I tried to reach out to him, he would just push me away. We often ended up arguing whenever I tried to talk to him in his room and study, to try and comfort him. I probably just reminded him of Mother and it made things worse for him. It's hard to truly say what went through his mind, but.. I did all that I could think to do back then. The only bit of guilt I feel, when I'm thinking to back then and things with Father, was the bit of relief I felt when he passed. It sounds cruel, I know, but I was going through a lot at the time. Between arguing/fighting with Father a lot, supporting Arty and comforting him between his grief and moments with Father, struggling with my own grief, and running parts of the Kingdom..? It was a lot for someone in their early twenties to handle.. I still care for and miss Father dearly, and I would love to have him and Mother back, but.. back then? When it became just Arty and I, and there was shared responsibilities? It was a huge weight off my shoulders.. Though, how I handled the relief ended up becoming Arty's and I's downfall.. I'll write about that another time. For now? I'm rather exhausted and that time of my life is whole other can of worms I'd rather not open right now. . .