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Chiller Sway
by on August 31, 2020
I find myself wanting to vocalize often, with conflicting reasons to why in the moment. Hesitation has saved me many potential blunders, immature statements, and burnable bridges here on CA. The hesitation naturally leads to my self-reflection finding my ultimate motive and the stupid things I can vye for sometimes, and reminding myself it'd be better for me to keep my mouth shut and 'public image' intact.
But hesitation is a last defense. It still means that I went through the initial mental reaction, decided what I wanted do, and in some cases I even started acting on my ideas and influences before the hesitation nudged me and reminded:
"Hey, this is a mistake. The reason you want to message this person is because you're only listening to this little bit of information. Think about what decision you're making and the repercussions, because most of them are going to play out negatively."
And occasionally the hesitation only leads me to pivoting in a slightly different direction, addressing the initial idea in a smarter and more productive way. Usually I just realize how much of an idiot I'm being to even consider such a mistake.

I've been... confused that I even make those initial mistakes. Am I spatially unaware? Am I setting myself up to fail? Have I cared too much? Is the online social space not right for me? Do I not have what it takes? Should I be as cold to people as they are to me? Could it be that I don't understand other people's emotions or perspectives? Am I reading too far into things and hurting myself in the process?
But I've thought about the root of my insecurities and problems. And it wasn't until yesterday I was coming to a realization. That most of these silent questions I ask about myself branch from one unfortunate stem.

I am emotionally unaware about myself.

In some cases, I don't even have the words to bring my emotion out. And I go ahead and suppress them when they're being bothersome, causing me to make unfortunate judgment calls, leaving me at a lack of words, or covering them up with another excuse. "Oh I just wasn't thinking straight. I'm sorry I ever spoke at all."

They say your other in life will be someone who completes you. I'm in no position to begin a relationship, but the thing I managed to discover most about the woman I'd want is someone who can identify a specific emotional bias I'm having in a moment, and let me know directly in a way I couldn't even imagine wording it myself. I don't think I'd be able to describe how much I'd trust in and owe her, for knowing the part of me I only understand in my subconscious.
Well I could put it into context. Anyone in my friend circle, or who even observes me, knows I state several times how much the site's founder means to me. He's the best friend I've made here on CA, and even though I'm an idiot sometimes who thinks I know better, I trust in him almost completely. I mean obviously I won't light myself on fire just because he asked me to, but you get the point. And aside from hanging out and being a good man who cares alot and puts up with way more than I'd be able to, he did one very important thing for me. And to him it was small. Routine, even...
I was hitting a really bad low.
It's embarrassing because I've only broken down so hard once before in my life. I was about to quit hanging around here for good.
Corona was there for me. I'm sure my other friends would have been too, but Corona was there. And he still always is and tries to best help me even when I don't know about it. He's the only user here of two that has this level of respect from me. I should end this tangent here.

Another reason that I know emotional maturity is a weak point of mine is the hoops I have to go through sometimes to evaluate what I'm saying and why. A couple people have witnessed me forgoing the hoops entirely and acting based on my emotions instead, and making a mistake either in my presentation or in my manifest intentions. Not in malice, but in either some sort of assumed victory or immaturity. Then I reconsider myself while also carrying a conversation, and I would have been better off if I took an extra five or ten minutes before speaking.
And one thing further... I don't know how to tell my friends when something is going on with me. And that hurts me the most, because I trust them and hope they understand, but don't even give them the chance to sometimes. Making myself vulnerable...

"When you become untouchable, you're unable to touch."
— The Living Tombstone

Times come when I'm tempted to think that feeling pain is worth quitting early. An easy lie, at least on the scale of Canterlot Avenue and our users. And geez, some of us go through cycles of believing it to be true, having something tug us back in, then go through the cycle again. And I don't bring that up in order to shame, but I want to mention what's kept me out of that habit.
Feeling pain sometimes means that I care. And I think the biggest mistake is to lose myself to apathy. Because when I do that, I lose my ability to connect in positive ways too. I'd rob myself of those experiences. I'd be giving up in the long run in favor of the short... And I don't believe any of us should be like that. Giving up your best moments isn't worth shaking off the bad. At least in my limited scope. I don't want to lose my ability to be touched by others, for the good, and even for the bad but you have a limited influence on me because all of my doubt is internal :)

So if you felt any emotion while reading this, I don't want you to comment about it. I want you to think about why you felt it. Where did it spring from inside of you? Let it build yourself up. You're probably gonna feel silly, but wonder why you feel that way too.
And most importantly, don't worry about me. I'm going to be fine. I don't need your "Take care!"s. I don't need any comments at all actually.