Recipe for a Fresh Pizza Pie

This is a simple recipe for fresh pizza pie! ... ... ... ... Got you. Sorry, you fell for it! This isn't a recipe about how to make a fresh pizza! This is a lecture on why pizza does not count as a valid baked good! I've continuously encountered this in my world-worn travels across Equestria mastering the depths of the dough and the problem I've faced with, time and again, is that people think you BAKE pizza! And you don't! You cook pizza! Pizza is not a pastry and is not baked, you simply use the oven to melt the ingredients further and cook the dough! Baking is reserved for sweet things, like a real pie, or a croissant, or even nice warm bread! But Pizza is a food. It is a main course meal, it is the BANE of bakeries as it ROBS the focus of the delectable sweets it inhabits, like a miserable little miasma of tomato and cheese and doughy... dough, eugh, it angers me to even think about it! Let's break this down for you. 1. Origin of Pizza in food Long ago, the great caveponies of old huddled for warmth in their simple little caves. Desperate to survive a hostile winter, they struggled to have food on their hypothetical cavepony tables during tough times trying to make it through the season. But just then, one pony slips on a tomato, and the residue miraculously falls on some random dough! Whoa! And then another cavepony who JUST so happened to have expired milk that lasted long enough to properly curdle into cheese sprinkled it on there and put it near the fire of the cave... and it created a soft aroma of flavors. The caveponies, unwittingly, created pizza! And they managed to survive the winter. That has nothing to do with anything I just wanted to think about caveponies making pizza really it's all tangential, MOVING ON 2. Pizza: The forbidden pastry In a bakery, we have sweet things, and not very sweet things! It's okay to not make sweet things in a bakery! I enjoy making spinach puffs, for example, and they're not sweet (for now), but the core difference is that they're also NOT FOOD, THEY ARE AN Hors d'oeuvre AND AS A RESULT ARE NOT THE FOCUS OF EATING! NOTHING YOU MAKE IN BAKING IS THE FOCUS OF A MAIN DISH! Yes, even cake! That's not a main dish, that's dessert! Please don't eat cake as a main dish! You will spoil your palette and everything will taste funny and you're BEING ROBBED of a DIMENSION of FLAVOR. Listen to me- no, you LISTEN to me, you two eyed, multiple legged, stomach having, mouth ridden lung breather, I need you to understand that pizza begins and ends at pizza. It doesn't matter the order because pizza is versatile, it can be anything! Want a side? Slice it. Want it for dinner? Personal pan pizza. Want it for dessert? Pizza but sweet stuff on it, stop it, that's NOT PIZZA ANYMORE, THAT'S NOT PIZZA STOP MAKING NOT PIZZA- Internalize... this. Sow it into your soul. Otherwise, you will succumb to what I call the pizza dark arts. 3. The Pizza Dark Arts People who bake pizza are intrinsically lazy, lack creativity,. and are overall quite the pain to work with. This is because when you fully accept the pizza and all associated evils into your heart, you wind up allowing what I call the Dark Pizza Arts to come into your soul, like a very bad roommate who refuses to clean up after herself and doesn't wash the dishes and leaves stains all over your favorite little rug and you tell her to please stop and she laughs at you and says she brings in all the money around here and i tell her please im begging you im just following my dreams but she just laughs at you and says you couldnt keep a customer if you were dying on the floor and she really really hurts your feelings and if youre out there reading this im never going to forgive you for eating my assorted collection of genuine copper pennies you awful mangy horse of a mare Pizza Dark Arts is the epiphany every pizza baker realizes in which pizza not only exists as a means to cook food, but also a vehicle in which to serve. It's like a breadbowl, except more sinister, because there is zero verticality keeping anything in place. Imagine the world's flattest plate to eat off of, and then you realize the plate is edible. It simply invites a level of carnage unseen in any sort of bakery based culinary discipline, and the moment someone slips in there? It's over. Here are some examples from the human world to aid you in understanding the threat Pizza Dark Arts poses to the rest of the world. Right here! And over here! And last before least, this one! Genuinely awful. Look at that chicken. Gaze into its eyes! Forever trapped in the force-field of negatively attuned pizza energy. Is this the future that you want? Don't say yes. 4. How To Prevent This Just don't treat pizza as a baked good. If you treat it as food, and keep it where food is, then you'll be fine! I'm not telling you to stop eating food, let alone pizza, haha! I'll have you know I quite enjoy a slice of the 'Za myself from time to time, but you will never present this item into my bakery in any capacity or so help me I'm going to write several thousand angry letters to fill a house with and then I'm going to sell the house to you and then you're going to be forced to open every letter in that house because all the letters are also written to be return/received and you don't return them it's a felony and you'll spend several months reading JUST HOW MUCH I HATE YOU! Next Recipe will be about marbled chocolate bread! The secret ingredient will be real marbles! Mmmm! Catch you next time, class! With Love! Peachy Pie