Baby

The burden of growth can be referred to as a necessary process when transferring from a state of dormancy or stagnancy. A seed is quite happily a seed, that is until it's tossed into a growth medium and drenched. Now the addition of water stimulates the germination process which includes the breaking through of the shoot. The burden of growth is often times an uncomfortable and even painful experience. But pain is what ultimately drives us. We can't experience life without experiencing suffering. Baby had been no stranger to change. For as long as she can remember she has changed herself in order to please others. Never for the better. She became a chameleon, hiding her true colors in favor of someone else's. It started on day zero. Her mother, Elara, did not want to have a child. Her boyfriend and Baby's father, Buck, felt exactly the opposite. The first time he laid his eyes upon Baby he was willing to give his life for her. The bond was immediate. They originally named her Aubade. She would go on to change her own name when she is older. Buck and Elara were both young parents with Elara being nineteen and Buck being twenty-two. Neither of them were prepared for child rearing, but Elara... She had no interest whatsoever. Buck had been working in the construction industry since he was seventeen and was able to provide for them. He was already experiencing back pain and muscle spasms and he hadn't even reached twenty-five. This never stopped him though. Elara never did get a job. She claimed the label, 'Stay-at-home-mother' even though she was doing no mothering, Baby regularly went without eating and when she would cry because she was starving and in pain, Elara would go outside and smoke a cigarette. As a baby you can't exactly understand what is going on in the world around you, as you are fresh and new to this experience. The body understands though, and Baby's body had already gotten a scope on the world that she was going to have to live in. In result of her needs never being fully met, Baby's brain structure restructured itself accordingly. When Baby was two, her parents split up. Buck was now living with his mother and Elara moved in with a stallion she had been seeing behind Bucks back, and was already carrying a child for. Since they we're not married Elara was given full custody, but she was allowing Buck to keep Baby every other week, and would have let her stay more if not for government benefits. Baby was still too young to understand what was happening, all she knew was that mommy and daddy were in different homes. Buck started to work out of state to better provide for Baby and his mother. As Baby grew older, after her half brother, Hoop, was born, her mother's cold resentment showed itself more and more. Elara would intently observe Baby on a regular basis with no intervention or communication. Baby was indifferent as she had never received anything substantial from Elara and never expected to. Elara would watch her interact with her friends and family with a bright and cheerful attitude. Nothing at all could seem to ever bring her down. In these moments she realized that she cannot sustain the feeling of peace, or any good feeling, And, sees that Baby could. Baby used to be able to maintain such a feeling. This discrepancy, this realization of what she was severely lacking, hits her like a rushing river. A river not flowing through her, but at her, against her, devastating her.The full power and wrath of mother nature, sweeping her away, causing her to lose all sense of grounding. Baby has become her devastating current all without even knowing. In reality, Elara was a malignant narcissist, and this wasn't entirely her fault. Narcissism is a psycho-emotional disorder and is no exception the phenomenon of the disease cluster, with clusters happening in families across generations and connected through both biology and marriage, or generational trauma. And tragically, narcissism is a radioactive gift that just keeps on giving, from one generation to the next and baby finds out later that it's just been a long line of abusive mothers in her ancestry. Baby knew that her grandmare was abusive to her mother when she was younger. Elara talked about it a few times but not in great detail. What Baby never knew was that, Elara's father was a sick individual and did something horrible. When Elara told her mother, she was called a liar. Elara had to bury such a huge and horrible secret within her from such a young age and never was able to heal. She hid her deepest wounds. Baby never saw that side of her. She never could understand how a mother who has been abused could do the same things to her child? And so Baby grew to resent her mother. Buck passed shortly after Baby's 16th birthday and so she decided not to stick around any longer. She went and got herself emancipated by the court and the money that her father left to her was used to get a bus to San Franciscolt and cut off all contact with Elara. She had nowhere to live, but she found a program that houses students based on income. They were hesitant to take her at first because of her age but she was legally an adult. After graduation is around the time the dreams began. Vivid flashes of fractal patterns and sacred geometry, feeling like a plant, a tree even, with roots travelling deep within the Earth. The dreams were hard to remember at first, barely remembering the glimpse of a tree and seeing herself but surrounded in color and light. She seemed to remember the feeling the dream gave her over the linear events of said dream. During her waking hours she had begun getting really intense feelings out of nowhere, a gut feeling. She began to pay more attention to the time and would regularly look at the clock at school/work before looking away and looking back, to assure she was awake and not dreaming. She did this for a very long time before she looked at the clock, looked away, looked back and the time had changed drastically. "I'm dreaming now." She said aloud. She began to think about the symbols and tree she kept seeing and for some reason she thought back to when she was a little filly, back when she was effortlessly in control of her dreams. She remembered a friend who she met in her dreams over and over again. "Merkaba?" She thought to herself as the memories of his wise and friendly face flooded her memories. And in that moment she heard a familiar voice from behind, The tall and aged stallion with the blue hat. He smiled towards her. An old friend. It has been so long. "WHY DID YOU LEAVE?" She yelled out before taking off at full speed towards him. She crashed into his arms and cried. She noticed a pink glow beginning to radiate from his body as she sank into him. "Why did you leave?" She asked, tears still streaming down her cheeks. He was silent for a while as he comforted her. "You would not have understood then." He says softly. "Your soul had begun darkening. I could not guide you any longer." he said before helping her onto her hooves. "You haven't changed at all" She replied, drying her eyes. "You have. I have watched you change all this time." Merkaba said, helping her. "You've been on the cusp of corruption. Come with me." he said, before extending a hoof to lead her. She trusted him completely. He somehow felt like her father even though she had met him in her dreams before Buck passed. "You know why you can never find the answers to your questions. You know where they are." He said as he lead them through the dreamscape. Soon, a tree is visible in the distance. Once they reach it, Merkaba gestures towards it before turning to Baby. "Go touch it." Without hesitation she trotted up to the tree and placed a hoof against the soft, cool bark. Immediately her mood changed. She began bawling years and hyperventilating. She quickly snatched away her hoof before looking to Merkaba in betrayal. "Why??" She sobbed. He walked over to her and sat beside the tree and began to caress it. In that moment, she noticed that the shape of the tree resembled a brain and a stem and seemed to be malnourished. "Is it dying?" She asked. He nodded. "This is yours. What you felt upon touching it is unfiltered pain from a soul. You got lost but you made it back and I am so proud. You know that what you put out is what you're gonna get. This hatred. This pain. You can't take it with you. You've got to return all of the negative essence and be as pure as when you got here." He looks into her eyes. "Metatron. The angel of light who oversees flow of energy in a mystical cube known as Metatron's cube" These words were not coming from his mouth but formed directly into her mind, suddenly she gets a strong whiff of something spicy and herbal... like...chillies or peppercorn? "This cube contains all of the geometric shapes in all of creation" Within an instant her vision became flooded with a pulsating white light before being jolted back into the waking world by the erratic sound of her alarm clock. Her heart was racing and when she closed her eyes she could still see the light as if it was really there and passed through her eyes, and her room still smelled like those specific spices even though she never uses either of them. "Metatron." She said quietly before looking at herself in the mirror across the room from her before noticing a band of light around her head from the sun coming through the window just right.