For the Lore of god please stop me from writing. PART 1 - Contains triggering content and mature themes!!! -

“Still…. It just doesn’t make sense.” “…What doesn’t make sense?” I ask incredulous. “The… you know… that whole acting thing…” “That whole acting thing?” I respond with a bit of a scoff. Truth be told she caught me off guard. It was at this point that I had stopped looking at the stars in the sky and I turned to look at her, Heather. My best friend since… well… since grade school. …We were just two faces of the same coin. She knew me like nobody did, but what was most important to me was that she didn’t care who I was. Her golden mane was sprawled all across the grass and only the fireflies matched that golden color… “How’d you get into it?” she asked again. It was a much more complicated question than it should’ve been. “I don’t know… I guess I like the attention?” …that made her laugh. So I decided to stick with that, but if I had to tell the truth then I’d have to say… Everything is different once you’re on the stage. It’s like a weight’s lifted from your shoulders, it’s the only time you get to not be you anymore. You don’t have to be sour or tired, or mean. You don’t have to play the character that you are, instead you get to be who you wanted to be and everyone plays along because they’re all living into this fantasy world as well. Or maybe that stage is also an illusion in itself, an illusion that was born from my own experience… But can you blame me? I have this memory I like to go back to… Because the very first time I saw a stage performance was with my parents… It wasn’t often that we got to go out as a family. Even I was aware enough to notice that at that age, even though I was pretty young … My mom and my dad, they looked so happy… That might’ve been the only time that I saw them genuinely enjoying themselves. And to this day I do not know if that was what I truly liked about that experience, maybe it’s not the stage that I fell in love with. It might’ve been their smiles… Everyone was smiling that day, from the ponies in the crowd to every last performer and my mother and my father… and I. Now you can blame my faulty memory but as of today my memories are the only things that I have left from that time so they are the only thing that I can trust, and if I remember correctly that was also the last happy memory I have of us as a family. Because what I remember after that … well… it is kind of a blur… --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The sound of porcelain breaking startled Gray’s sleep in the middle of the night. He curled up tighter and pulled the blankets over his head. The old house’s walls were this dirty looking washed-off green stripped wallpaper, stained and torn over the years. The way the moonlight reflected on it reminded him of prison bars. Off in the distance he could hear yelling, it was most certainly coming from the living room. He knew it was because it wasn’t the first time and he was sure it wouldn’t be the last time. Tippy toes slid down the bed and shyly across the scattered toys on the floor of his bedroom and towards the door. Upon cracking the door open he could see the silhouette of his mother and father pacing the living room like lions in a cage at the zoo. “Stop throwing things around! It’s not like we have the money to replace them!” Ares growls and stomps his hoof down. His wife Calliope stood across the room holding between her hooves part of their beloved china set. The tension could be sliced with a knife, it reflected off her eyes in the shape of tears which rolled down her scowling face. “Maybe we could if you stopped throwing away every single opportunity we’re given!” Ares glares and then looks away dismissively. “…I’m talking to you!” “Well I’m done talking!” He snorts loudly. “…They didn’t want to sign the contract if you weren’t included in it.” As those words left his mouth, Calliope’s face turned from anger to confusion and then back. “So? I could’ve taken the job and you know it! You know I don’t mind working. So what if I have to work!?” She wouldn’t know whether to be angry or upset or what. She couldn’t come to understand his logic. “You know that if it comes down to that I have absolutely no problem in doing it, you could stay with Gray-“ “Maybe you don’t have a problem with it but I do.” Ares interrupts. “I can stay with Gray? Are you out of your mind woman???” He spat. “Hah! What else?” “W-What do you mean!?” she asks scoffing in stupefaction. “Will you also want me to keep the house and to cook dinner? Am I a joke to you?! Take care of the colt, my god! …that is your job!” “I can’t believe you…” Calliope mutters through her teeth with fire in her eyes. “What? …Why are you looking at me that way?” Ares noticed the hurt in her eyes and glared further, as if it was offensive to him. “Oh my god… I can’t believe you’re actually mad at this Calli. What?” He smirks ironically. “Do you seriously think they want you in it because you’re talented or something!? Sorry to break it to you honey but you’re fresh meat hanging, and I wasn’t about to hand you over in a silver plate! … You’re my wife!” “…You have the kind of toxic pretty eyes that would bring in every stallion in town. Do you see why I have a problem with it?” Ares continued but Calliope remained silent and was now averting her gaze from him. “…At least we’d have a way to pay the bills, Ares. How long are we going to live like this?” “I’ll find a gig, it’s just a matter of time and you are impatient. These things take time honey, it’s not magic…” --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- …At the time I couldn’t understand what was happening. It is only now that I’m older that I realize the kind of situation we were in while I was growing up. I spent endless nights looking from a corner as the same scene was played over and over. However, one good day my mom stopped crying over my father… --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gray was drawing at the living room, it was a portrait of his favorite doll. Old as everything in that house was, but he found it strangely charming and as such, he had wanted to make a painting of her. He was in his own fantasy world but that didn’t distract him from the loud hoof steps coming his way from the upstairs corridor into the stairway and then downstairs. His little ears perked and he instinctively turned his head to find his father storming over. His ears flattened against his head as his father passed right by him and sternly looked at him without saying a word. Just as fast as he had walked by, he was gone, and only then did Gray notice that he had been carrying a suitcase long. He didn’t miss when his mother’s much lighter and rushed hoof steps chased after his father’s. She breezed past Gray without turning around and Gray could only loosely follow her silhouette as it disappeared by the hallway. “You can’t do this!” Calliope had yelled in a broken voice as she approached the front door. Her husband was already halfway outside and had only stopped to light a cigar. Some other gentleman waited outside in a black car. “Yes I can, in fact I’m doing it Calli. And I’m doing this for the good of our family.” Ares responds coldly without turning to face her. “This is big money business. I can’t turn my back on this, I can’t. I’ve always wanted to lead a band and if this takes off-“ “What!? If this takes off what!? Will all of our problems be magically fixed!? You turned down over 10 job offers over the last month! You won’t let me work! You don’t help around the house! You’re always chasing after some fantasy ‘gig’ that is going to turn our lives around!” Gray couldn’t resist peeking by the corner of the wall, he saw his mother’s face distort into anger. Somehow worse than he’d ever seen to that point. Calliope reached out for the nearest vase and threw it just in front of her husband as he looked on, perplexed. “If you walk through that door then you won’t have any family to do good by!” Calliope threatened, again submerged in a sea of tears. “…I swear to god Ares!” But the man was unmoved despite his shock. “…Goodbye Calli.” He simply nodded his head, grabbed his suitcase and… Just as he was about to turn his back on them he couldn’t help but notice Gray peeking at the end of the corridor. He stared at him for a brief moment. “Rivers..? …Ya comin’?” a stranger’s voice called from the outside. Ares hummed a yes and nodded. He looked at Gray again and then turned around making his way outside. The moment that stallion set hoof outside of the house Calliope dropped to her haunches and wailed without consolation. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And started crying over me… --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Their days at the old house didn’t last much after Calliope’s husband walked out on her and her young colt. She was barely getting by as a waitress even if it was just for the two of them. Soon they found themselves stuck in the smallest apartment available at the loudest part of town, miles away from where she worked, but it’d have to do. Every day she woke up early and Gray didn’t so much see her dust until after midnight, if he was even able to stay awake that long. He learned to look after himself from a young age, which definitively made things easier, still he was but a 5 year old foal and Calliope was carrying both the role of her mother and his father all at once. This particular night Gray had briefly seen her after she had returned from work but she had only returned home to change herself into a more fitting outfit. Calliope could’ve been through hell but that never stopped her from taking care of herself. Even though she still was legally married, that didn’t stop her from finding dates… And on that particular night she had warned Gray against staying awake as she didn’t really know whether if she’d even be back until next morning. “There’s food in the fridge alright? …And remember, if you run into any trouble just knock onto Mrs. Begonia’s door.” Calli turned to him and smiled. Gray smiled back and nodded. “Hm!” The entire apartment had been eerily silent for all night and into the early hours of the morning, that was until the front door slammed open, then it was slammed shut. Gray frowned into his sleep as his sleep had been disturbed. “Hnng…” He rolls and opens his eyes slightly, he can see the light coming from underneath the door’s frame. Mom was back. But something wasn’t alright. He slid out of bed and wandered outside of the room into the open kitchen and living room which doubled as a dining room at times. He found his mother’s silhouette slouched over against a corner beside the fridge. “…Mom?” Gray called over, rubbing one of his eyes. His vision was still blurry from sleeping. Calliope was unresponsive but awake, her idle eyes focused on Gray’s tiny figure by their room’s door frame. “Go back to bed…” She practically growled. Gray was taken aback, but now that he was more awake he could see the half empty bottle of gin she was holding onto. Of course that, he didn’t know the specifics, to him it was just another one of those bottles. He frowned greatly at the sight which only seemed to do worse by Calliope. “…Mom you’re tired…” “Yeah? …And whose fault is that?” Calliope laughs bitterly. Gray lowers his head and remains quiet. “… Why’d you have to come along Gray? …What did I ever do to you?” Calliope continues in a slurr. “Nobody wants a mare with a foal…” She mumbles, caressing the bottle with her one hoof idly. “My life could be so easy if you just didn’t exist… I don’t understand, why do you hate me so much…?” Gray continues to stare at the floor. “I do not…” “I dO nOt!” Calliope mocks angrily and scoffs, she goes to take another long gulp of her drink. It hurts her throat and she coughs. Gray’s ears fold back “Mom, you’re hurting... C’mon let’s just go to bed…” He’s terrified but he approaches her anyway and reaches out to nudge at one of her hooves. Calliope was still slouched over, she was so out of it that she didn’t notice Gray approaching until she felt his grasp on her hoof. She impulsively raised that very hoof and slapped him across the face. The sound echoed and then everything became eerily silent. Gray was stunned, he couldn’t even cry from the shock. As for Calliope, she was shocked as well, looking at her child with wide eyes as the realization of what she’d done downed on her. Tears streamed from her face. “I’m sorry…” she quivered. Gray’s cheek burned but he still couldn’t react appropriately, he only stared. “...I’m so sorry!” Calliope frowns and quickly reaches out to pull him in against her chest. “Please forgive me, I’m so sorry! ... Oh my god… I’m sorry baby… I’m sorry!” --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My mother could never find a romantic partner that lasted… But she did find a better paying job over time. It admittedly wasn’t much, but it was more than we’d ever had on our own. It was in front of the place where she worked at as a barista on the weekend, only during the night shift and across the street. She told me at the time that she was an entertainer, of course, that was the best way to put it for a child. She was a waitress during the week, a barista on the weekend and during night she was a burlesque dancer at the local cabaret. She used to sneak me into the backstage whenever she was unable to find someone to look over me for the night. I did see a couple of her shows though, her employer knew about me and he didn’t mind having me help him around behind the bar, he would distract me with a glass of milk once in a while. It might seem strange to an outsider, but I knew my mother. I couldn’t understand her but I knew her, and not for lack of trying. When she was spinning across the stage all dolled up and squeezed into those extravagant outfits, that was the only time she held a genuine smile. Somebody must have discovered her amazing voice at some point, because she soon was taking over the shows by exploiting her talent. In fact, if I recall the events properly this was around the time one of the big shot agencies from Manehattan became interested in her as an artist. But as it often happens in life, the timing couldn’t been more wrong… The very next day a familiar face had planted itself in front of our door, after 2 years. How he’d manage to find us, is still beyond me. That tall, dark and scary stallion that I used to remember. He was now famished and dirty, his eyes glassy, his mane greasy… It was my father, and he had come talking about forgiveness. Naturally my mother didn’t give in right away, for 3 days and 3 nights he paced the front of our balcony. Then one day I returned from school to find him sitting at the dining room. He said nothing and neither did I, but my mother asked me to pour him a glass of wine as soon as she had walked out of the kitchen and realized that I was around. ...And just like that I had a father again. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (To be continued…)