What its like

What its like inside the head of a cancer patient. I've been in remission for a couple years now, but the idea of it, and the fear I went through stick with me to this day. In February of 2021, I collapsed in my kitchen, for a few years up until this point I had been feeling faint. My vision would black out, occasionally, and I couldn't stand for terribly long without needing to sit down, but I stubbornly refused to go to the hospital, I had too much to do.... until I collapsed, and passed out for several seconds.  The next thing I knew, I was being rushed to the hospital, having agreed in my half dead state, and when I arrived I was pushed to the head of the line, and brought into the emergency room immediately, I was scared.... a few blood tests later and a Doctor comes in, tells me I had Leukemia, and that they were going to make an exception and let my mother in during peak Covid restrictions. But for me, I barely heard anything beyond Leukemia... Cancer is a terrifying word, and the instant I was told I had it, fear flooded my system. "I'm going to die. This is it." That was all that went through my brain, and when my mother arrived, I could tell, that's all she was thinking too, "He's going to die."  After this, I don't remember much until about a month had passed. I just left. My body stayed in the hospital, but in my head I was staring into an infinite void. I had succumbed to the unrelenting fear that was assaulting me with each minute that passed. I remember a gift basket, and my mother being allowed to visit... but only once a week... but thats it, the rest is gone. The second month was much easier, I was still sick, and the doctors were pumping me full of poison to try and save me, but it was somehow easier, I had come to terms with the fact that I was going to die, or be forever changed by this horrible sickness. I wasn't far off, I'm still in constant pain as a result of the chemotherapy, but I am alive. For months after I was released from the hospital I had to go in, for more chemo, or for blood transfusions, each time I was filled with terror. The chemo regularly made me sicker, for the trade off of killing the cancer, and at some point my body began rejecting some of the blood cells in the transfusions... But I'm getting off track. Cancer is a terrifying experience, but its not always a death sentence, and all you can do is push forward and do your best to live. This site is one of the things that kept my brain from just giving up, the kindness of complete strangers brought me from the brink. So.... in conclusion, thank you.  ~Eightbit's Admin