Flam · Public Relations

Pretentious hors

Male. Born on May 4, 2001

Race

Unicorn

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OPEN

About Me

//coming soon!//

Roleplay Universe

See: Freindship letter: the Unity

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Narrative

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CA volunteers for Harmonycon 2024!

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Flam

March 6, 2024 5:36 pm

Hey yall. Im sure alot of you probably dont know it, but ive been out of sorts for an awful long time. An AWFUL long time i might say. Putting off opportunities for me to enjoy what i have for fear o... View MoreHey yall. Im sure alot of you probably dont know it, but ive been out of sorts for an awful long time. An AWFUL long time i might say. Putting off opportunities for me to enjoy what i have for fear of failure. Living in such a way where i have been unmotivated and frankly in constant fear of trying anything. And its led me, for many years now, to isolate myself. To put myself in a place where i cant bring myself to really enjoy anything. I am not quite sure where exactly It started, probably middle school, where i felt obligated to take electives i had no interest in, where i took classes that i absolutely held with distain, but bit my tongue out of fear of disappointment or punishment for speaking out upon it. It was here, with the help of a friend at the time (whose name sadly long left me) where i began to develop a strong passion for writing. I wrote quite a bunch of stories that me and him would share and laugh at on the way back from school. And it brought me some sense of happiness despite the tension i hid in my back pocket. I didnt socialise with others in my classes, opting instead to take the detention stage, despite me wanting so much to have interactions with others. Because i felt almost terrified to do so. That it wasnt worth it, that i should instead focus on schoolwork at all times. That I wasnt worth it in some sense of the word. When i got home, i felt then there still was no chance to rest, at home i continued to face these high expectations of me that because i had the motivation in 3rd grade, i somehow was motivated and could take up the same tasks. That because i was so good at some point in the past i was obligated to be better. It more often than not just rid me of motivation at all And when even i was disgnosed with autism these high expectations were conpunded when my parents began to ask special treatment of me in classes. That somehow even though i was more or less a normal person, i should be treated differently from anyone else. These accommodations to me, felt disheartening, as if i myself would be unable to do these things on my own. That i needed someone else to push me along. That i was worthless. Every time someone would learn that i was autistic i felt a great shame. Because i didnt want them to know that. I wanted to keep it to myself, and if i ever needed something, id mention it to them. Instead i was forced to disclose this to my teachers. Having them treat me a little different because of it. And it only led to more stress on my behalf In highschool, this trend seemed to continue, where i would arrive early to get to a classroom and isolate myself. To write these fantastical stories, this escapism. Completely ignoring the opportunities of life that highschool had to offer. I ran my head into politics, as almost another coping mechanism for me to ignore the social world around me. To keep my head straight. I had some friends in high school, sure, but i was rather distant. Compounded by what i felt was breaking my obligations, and keeping myself from actually seizing moments or visiting with others or pursuing any sort of relationship even when i knew that one had a very obvious crush on me at the time. I kept everyone at arms length, as to keep myself from becoming too attached. To keep myself from failure. I never really had any real friends. Just many acquaintances. When i left my ap classes, it was a huge burden off of me, but also at the same time a new burden on criticism and greater demands on 'why cant you do this, you were so much better in xyz' countless and boundless criticisms pointed my way for not being good enough for AP, giving me even more disappointment in my seeming failure as a student. So it was at prom, i didnt care for it. The whole might thats supposed to be a major part of my life, i never even took a second glance at it. Hell i dont even remember the venue we were at. It was an obligation, something i was expected to do rather than something i genuinely wanted to do. Prom to me was sadly, like any other day to me. I didnt go to college out of ambition, but out of obligation. This showed in my grades, in my classes. I failed the first couple of semesters, i had no motivation to succeed, oh sure 'this is your future' people kept telling me. But why should i care about a future that is just obligation over obligation? Where my life is on a tightrope? Where i cant do what i love, only what other people oblige me to do? If i took up something i truly loved, like writing and English, that would only lead to a low paying profession. Where i would be a failure. I had to be obliged to choose something i absolutely hated. Like advertisement and business. Work was no better in this regard. I was pushed by others to become a manager while in school, and abandon any opportunities i may have had socially in school, in favor of it. I held back from doing it for a while, to try and pursue some sort of social life, but eventually the guilt all caught up to me, and i began to work full time while practically abandoning college altogether in yet another tragic obligation. I now currently work three jobs, while college itself has become an afterthought. My mind has become so clouded and unmotivated. What was there to really work towards? Why should i try at all? These obligations, just tie me down from ever having any sort of social life, or life in general to share with other people. I have been like this for a long time. I just shut down. Following the things that im obliged to do going through the motions of what should be the most exciting part of my life, refusing to let me truly enjoy any of it. I dont take care of myself, my room, nothing perhaps because its the one thing i felt i actually have control over. That i cant be obliged to deal with All of these different pushes and pulls between these obligations it makes me ask, in a sort of cynical way, "I wish i knew what to wish for." Recently I happened across a Virtual Novel, Written by Cavemanon studios Titled "I wani hug that gator" I have seen their previous work accoladed and generally being regarded as one of the best virtual novels in the market. When i heard they were releasing another, i bought it, simply due to the quality i know they present. The story itself is simple: Its a love story between a Boy and a Gator girl. But what really caught my eye were the characters in it. Not to get into spoilers, but each of the Main cast has their own major issues that get brought up in the story, from wanting to prove that you are more than your handicaps, to hiding what you are, to keeping others at arms length to avoid failure, to the crippling expectations that others put on you. And as one character put it, "I wish to know what to wish for." But most importantly, that despite their problems, and flaws, they still find a way to enjoy life how it was supposed to be experienced. Going and doing things with their friends, having a genuine life. Despite their various issues. This story spoke to me in an almost tragic sense. As if this was something i was supposed to have. That i should have in some wistful nostalgia. But it is something i can still achieve. There is, for better or worse, still time for me to figure my shit out. I shouldnt be obliged, or feel the pressure for something else. But i should at the very least try to pursue something i enjoy in life, rather than something i feel obliged to do. I feel that i still can do something, be something, despite my heavy doubts and what others have set me up as. I just need to at least try. To try to find something i enjoy, and not something i feel obliged to do. And for that reason, I will finally try to pursue an english degree. And even it may be hard for me to change to this pace and maybe i might just fail in the end, i finally know what i want to wish for, and in the end, i should keep trying at the very least. If you havent already, i REALLY recommend buying "I wani hug that gator" from steam. the story itself has helped inspire me, and if anyone else is in that same rut, i strongly recommend you give it a read as well. https://youtu.be/fXFU9a5dPCM

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0. I Wanna Hug That Gator! -[ I Wani Hug That Gator OST ]-

youtu.be

Keep an eye out for the high quality OST, coming soon! Music from "I Wani Hug That Gator", by Cavemanon. https://store.steampowered.com/app/1895350/I_Wani_Hug_that_Gator/ https://cavemanon.

2 people like this.

Stickman, The Normal Stickian

Interesting. Y'know, for me, I was kinda... out of it for a while. However, upon listening to some specific songs, like Find the Pieces, Shot Down By the Mirror, hell, even Rivers in the Desert (Man on the Internet version), songs like that have helped me keep my spirit. Not only that, but so has my... View More

Like March 6, 2024